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Band 3

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government should be spent to free time activity or young people. To what extent, do you agree or disagree

#emphasis #education #government #time #activity #people
Education currently is
such
 emphasis that
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
 becoming lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
free
time
 activity.
This
 writer
think
Change the verb form
thinks
show examples
 that the money should
also
 be invested in leisure
activities
 for
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
 to join in and
also
 the easier curriculum
is
Wrong verb form
should be
show examples
 encouraged It must be understood that free
time
 activity
improve
Change the verb form
improves
show examples
 a child’s development.
In other words
, engaging children
hobbies
Change preposition
in hobbies
show examples
 or outdoor
activities
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
students
 express their creativity and flexibility.
Then
, these skills can be used when thinking of ways to solve problems in subjects at school, or to be open-minded in new areas of life.
As a result
, free
time
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 play an important part in the development of a child’s mind Another reason why emphasis
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 curriculum at school is not the only factor contributing to children’s development
due to
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 body mechanics need
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
aspects
Change preposition
of aspects
show examples
 to fully develop both physical and mental health,
also
Rephrase
as well
show examples
 the brain improvements.
Activities
 after hours of study or
school-schedule
Correct your spelling
school schedule
show examples
 help
students
relaxing
Wrong verb form
relax
show examples
 after hard work
time
 to reduce stress.
Therefore
, gaining
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
efficient
Replace the word
efficiency
show examples
 and
also
 productivity or burn-out and becoming
depressed
Replace the word
depression
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 unavoidable
To conclude
, extra
activities
 and joining hobbies are considered extremely critical in life not only
students
Change preposition
for students
show examples
 but
also
Change preposition
for human
show examples
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
. Studying several logical subjects
do
Verb problem
is
show examples
 not the only key for
students
 to achieve success

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task achievement
Your essay needs a clearer and more concise thesis statement in the introduction. The current introduction is a bit unclear and needs to more explicitly state the position you will argue for in the essay.
task achievement
The body paragraphs would benefit from more specific examples to support your points. Providing concrete instances can make your argument more persuasive and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion in your essay, make sure to use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This helps guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next by using appropriate linking words and phrases. This will help the essay feel more unified and coherent.
task achievement
You correctly identify the importance of balancing education with free time activities for comprehensive development of young individuals.
coherence cohesion
You show an understanding of how free time activities contribute to both physical and mental health, which supports your overall argument well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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