Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government should be spent to free time activity or young people. To what extent, do you agree or disagree
Education currently is
such
emphasis that youngs
becoming lack Correct your spelling
young
of
free Change preposition
apply
time
activity. This
writer think
that the money should Change the verb form
thinks
also
be invested in leisure activities
for teenager
to join in and Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
also
the easier curriculum is
encouraged
It must be understood that free Wrong verb form
should be
time
activity improve
a child’s development. Change the verb form
improves
In other words
, engaging children hobbies
or outdoor Change preposition
in hobbies
activities
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
students
express their creativity and flexibility. Then
, these skills can be used when thinking of ways to solve problems in subjects at school, or to be open-minded in new areas of life. As a result
, free time
activity
play an important part in the development of a child’s mind
Another reason why emphasis Fix the agreement mistake
activities
the
curriculum at school is not the only factor contributing to children’s development Change preposition
on the
due to
the
body mechanics need Correct your spelling
that
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
aspects
to fully develop both physical and mental health, Change preposition
of aspects
also
the brain improvements. Rephrase
as well
Activities
after hours of study or school-schedule
help Correct your spelling
school schedule
students
relaxing
after hard work Wrong verb form
relax
time
to reduce stress. Therefore
, gaining the
Correct article usage
apply
efficient
and Replace the word
efficiency
also
productivity or burn-out and becoming depressed
Replace the word
depression
are
unavoidable
Change the verb form
is
To conclude
, extra activities
and joining hobbies are considered extremely critical in life not only students
but Change preposition
for students
also
Change preposition
for human
human
. Studying several logical subjects Fix the agreement mistake
humans
do
not the only key for Verb problem
is
students
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task achievement
Your essay needs a clearer and more concise thesis statement in the introduction. The current introduction is a bit unclear and needs to more explicitly state the position you will argue for in the essay.
task achievement
The body paragraphs would benefit from more specific examples to support your points. Providing concrete instances can make your argument more persuasive and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion in your essay, make sure to use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This helps guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next by using appropriate linking words and phrases. This will help the essay feel more unified and coherent.
task achievement
You correctly identify the importance of balancing education with free time activities for comprehensive development of young individuals.
coherence cohesion
You show an understanding of how free time activities contribute to both physical and mental health, which supports your overall argument well.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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