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Band 5

In some countries old age is highly valued, while in others youth is emphasized. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#countries #age #youth
It is thought by some people that the elderly is highly appreciated in some nations,
while
 others believe that youth is important. The writer of
this
 essay argues that young workers are more essential than the old
due to
 their plenty of health and the wide range of soft skills. It is undeniable that youngsters can do various
work
 that elders cannot approach. To simplify
this
 statement,
according to
 scientific research, there is no doubt that the amount of muscle that older people have
are
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 less than the younger, which means junior employees can
work
 for long hours without taking a break.
As a result
, young workers can have a higher working performance and product than the old ones. Take Thailand as an example, where all companies in
this
 country tend to hire young workers
due to
 their potential health to
work
 in a depressed environment.
However
, old age has a strong side in society
that is
 more useful than others
such
 as working experience.
This
 is to say, there
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 an increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 problems that numerous companies have
to
Add a missing verb
had to
show examples
 deal with in the
last
 decade.
Moreover
, elders have a long time to
work
 through many situations so they gain lots of experience to cope with these situations.
As a consequence
, various businesses can pass through difficulties smoothly without harming the company's finances or
productions
Fix the agreement mistake
production
show examples
. In my opinion, youngsters are vital
due to
 their special ABILITIES which are far better than the older ones. The young have various soft skills
such
 as innovation and adaptability,
while
 the old lack these skills or cannot learn them.
In addition
, having
variety
Add an article
a variety
show examples
 of initiatives can
comla
Correct your spelling
come
.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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task response
The introduction presents both sides of the argument, but it could be made clearer to outline that both the opinion of youth and age will be discussed before giving your opinion more firmly in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The essay's structure is mostly logical, but transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. Additionally, the conclusion feels incomplete.
coherence cohesion
To achieve a higher mark, work on presenting ideas more comprehensively and in a well-organized manner. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logically flows to the next.
task response
The essay provides relevant examples to support the main points, such as the example pertaining to Thailand.
task response
The essay makes a good attempt to balance both views by discussing the strengths of youth and old age.
coherence cohesion
The essay uses a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and an attempt at a conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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