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Band 5.5

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activity #people
Education
 plays a vital role in the development of young individuals.
Therefore
, there is more emphasis given to educating the young than ever before,
while
 some leisure activities should be considered by the government expenditure.
This
 writer agrees with the emphasis towards the
education
 of
youngers
Correct your spelling
youngsters
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 through its valuable features. First and foremost, the primary reason behind
this
 could be the priority of
education
 is to equip young people with knowledge and skills which are essential for their future. In fact, by attending educational institutions, students are supposed to structured learning environment where they cultivate critical thinking skills, discover their passion and learn the value of discipline. A case in point is that there is a majority of academic locations like high schools or universities that organize more space for learners to enhance their abilities
such
 as speech contests. Another considerable point that needs to be discussed is that the young generations need to be educated organizationally as the continual development of the state-of-the-art society. To be blunt, there is a competitive rate of finding work that can be seen as an advantageous feature for high academic performance with many beneficial certifications. On the flip side, free time activity can be equally a holistic environment. In fact, attending
Change preposition
apply
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in
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apply
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some leisure activities can reduce the frequency of stress or mind relaxation which can be seen as one of the results of learning
Change preposition
over
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in
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over
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 a long period of time.
Moreover
,
this
 strict learning environment can lead to some mental health issues like depression. In conclusion, too much emphasis on educating the young or the affection of free time activity has a positive impact on younger
education
.
Therefore
, the public should consider both sides before giving the final decision.

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task achievement
To improve task response, ensure your essay fully addresses all aspects of the prompt. Expand on how too much emphasis on education might have negative impacts and why government money should also be directed towards leisure activities.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, work on linking your ideas more fluidly. Use a variety of cohesive devices and transitional phrases to ensure each paragraph flows logically into the next.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your discussion well.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as academic locations organizing space for speech contests, which help support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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