Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent, do you agree or disagree?

Education is becoming
popular
Correct quantifier usage
more popular
show examples
in the modern world than ever before. For the
time
being, there is too much expense spent on educating the younger generation
whereas
some free
time
activities
in schools are limited.
Otherwise
, from prior experience, the writer’s opinion agrees with paying more attention to outdoor
activities
because it can help students relax
as well as
improve their physical
health
. First and foremost, spending more money on free
time
activities
is the relaxation of the pupils. If learners are given too much emphasis on studying, they may become more stressed and overwhelmed.
As a consequence
, it leads to detrimental impacts on students’
health
.
For instance
, the proportion of depression
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
teenagers is increasing
due to
a major of assignments.
Therefore
, extracurricular
activities
should be invested
to
Change preposition
in to
show examples
help young people refresh their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
after a
hard-working
Correct word choice
hard
show examples
time
. Another point of that issue is focusing on free
time
activities
can
also
result in the improvement of teenagers’ physical
health
. If their
health
is enhanced, young people may be comfortable and get better in their studies. Not least, some sports and outdoor
activities
should be organized to provide energy for pupils
as well as
give them a chance to
take
Verb problem
get
show examples
closer to practice.
As a result
, some potential diseases namely obesity can be prevented because of doing exercises.
Thus
, the government should not focus only on the students’ studies, they should
also
make conditions for young students to experience more free
time
activities
to avoid negative problems for their
health
.
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task
Try to use specific, relevant examples to support your points more effectively. For instance, mention specific outdoor activities or cases where physical health benefits have been observed.
coherence
Ensure that your ideas are clearly organized, and each paragraph focuses on a single idea. While your essay is coherent, it could benefit from a clearer logical structure within paragraphs.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented and effectively set the stage for your argument and wrap it up.
coherence
The main points are supported, and the essay provides a coherent argument overall.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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