IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many criminals commit further crimes as soon as they are released from prison. What do you think are the causes of this? What possible solutions can you suggest?

#criminals #crimes #prison
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There is a problem that a myriad of gangland
Use synonyms
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 as soon as being released from prison. The writer of
this
Linking Words
 essay supposes that the causes of
this
Linking Words
 problem are
due to
Linking Words
 outside circumstances and human beings. It can be tackled by both the authorities and
federation
Correct article usage
the federation
show examples
. The primary reasons for
this
Linking Words
 problem are the outside circumstances and their human being.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it comes from the prejudgments of others. In fact, folk
inclined
Add a missing verb
are inclined
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 to discriminate against people who used to be a
crime
Use synonyms
, which can bring loneliness and a sense of not being a part of the communities. So that
syndicate
Fix the agreement mistake
syndicates
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 will behave badly to
society
Use synonyms
 and be prone to
crime
Use synonyms
.
Together with
Linking Words
 those prejudgments, organized
crime
Use synonyms
find
Change the verb form
finds
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 it hard to find a job in order to maintain their lives.
As a result
Linking Words
, they have to find some illegal jobs
such
Linking Words
 as being a robber or a thief.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it can come from human beings. The one who has the wrong mindset can easily commit fouls and become organized
crime
Use synonyms
 thanks to their actions.
For example
Linking Words
,
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
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 who were born and raised in the slums with poor living conditions are going to get stuck in the prison circle. Yet, it can be solved by both the government and
society
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. The government
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 has to raise awareness among
society
Use synonyms
 about how crimes become better after prison time in order to prevent them from being attacked by some prejudices.
Also
Linking Words
, the authorities should provide jobs for the crimes so that they can make a living and maintain their after-prison life, which can guarantee their quality of life quality.
For
Change preposition
Society
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society
Use synonyms
,
nation
Correct article usage
the nation
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need
Change the verb form
needs
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 to tolerate and forgive the past of
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
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organized
crime
Use synonyms
. So that they can find ways to make improvements, which can navigate them in the right direction to become better. Taking everything into account, organized
crime
Use synonyms
 easily
crime
Use synonyms
 because of the discrimination from
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 and their bad mindset. It can be solved by some actions from authorities and the forgiveness of
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
.
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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by clearly outlining your main points in the introduction and concluding each paragraph with a summarizing sentence.
task achievement
Provide more specific and relevant examples to illustrate your points better. This will help in making your arguments stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
Check for clarity and comprehensiveness of ideas. Some sentences need rephrasing to improve the overall understanding. For example, 'The one who has the wrong mindset' can be more specific, like 'Individuals with a propensity for criminal behavior.'
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a good structure to your response.
task achievement
You have identified and explained multiple causes of the problem and provided possible solutions, which shows a complete response to the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Rehabilitation
  • Reintegrate
  • Social stigma
  • Recidivism
  • Criminal records
  • Ex-offender
  • Associations
  • Comprehensive
  • Workforce
  • Mentoring
  • Incentivize
  • Stigmatize
  • Subsidies
  • Legitimate
What to do next:
Look at other essays: