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Band 5

Many parents put a lot of pressure on their children to succeed. To what extent do you agree?

#parents #pressure #children
Nowadays, the
parents
 and their
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 relationship are so different. It is argued that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the majority of mothers and fathers imply immense pressure on their offspring to make them successful. I strongly disagree with
this
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
due to
 the number of negative effects that could have on
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
confident
Replace the word
confidence
show examples
 and mental health.
Parents
 often compare their
children
 with others and force them to compete,
this
 could have some destructive impacts on
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
self-confident
Replace the word
self-confidence
show examples
.
For instance
, by forcing
children
 to always get the higher score in their lessons among their classmates. They would lose their motivation
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if they failed to achieve their
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
desireable
Correct your spelling
desirable
 score.
This
 leads them to feel they are
ont
Correct your spelling
not
 enough and they are not as good as their friends or cousins. They might
loose
Replace the word
lose
show examples
 their
confiance
Correct your spelling
confidence
 and consider that they could never reach their goals.
As a result
, they might not
able
Add a missing verb
be able
show examples
 to concentrate on their lessons and would experience a significant
fell
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fall
show examples
 in their studies.
Morover
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, the great amounts of
stress
,
that
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 implied by
parents
, will
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
’s mental health. When
parents
 impose their ideas and put their youngsters in a
challanging
Correct your spelling
challenging
 situation in order to push them to success, their
children
 will experience
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
immence
Correct your spelling
immense
stress
. The sense of
extrem axiety
Correct your spelling
extreme anxiety
 might reduce their efficiency and they may not
able
Add a missing verb
be able
show examples
 to finish the task.
This
 will lead the youngster to isolation and depression.
Also
, the majority of young generations might react
severly
Correct your spelling
severely
 in
this
 condition. They may
expose
Wrong verb form
be exposed
show examples
 to
loose
Replace the word
lose
show examples
 their memory or get some mental diseases, which
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
root
Fix the agreement mistake
roots
show examples
 in
stress
. In conclusion, some
parents
 tend to force their offspring to achieve
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 targets, in my opinion,
this
 is
parents
Fix the agreement mistake
parent
show examples
 bullying and just
push
Correct subject-verb agreement
pushes
show examples
 the youngsters to lose their
confident
Replace the word
confidence
show examples
 and tolerate lots of
stress
.
Submitted by Negar_seddigh on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear stance on the issue and presents relevant arguments. However, more specific examples and evidence could further strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
There are several grammatical inaccuracies and awkward phrasing that affect clarity. Consider revising for smoother flow and precision.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that encapsulate your main argument well.
task achievement
Your points are logically organized and supported by relevant arguments.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • academic excellence
  • extracurricular activities
  • prosperous future
  • societal standards
  • peer competition
  • motivation
  • discipline
  • unfulfilled ambitions
  • resource availability
  • opportunity exploitation
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