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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children seem to take up famous people as their role models. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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When it comes to
celebrities
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, younger generations tend to emulate them as their
role
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models
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.In
this
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 essay, the writer firmly believes that the benefits of educational value are overshadowed by the drawbacks of unrealistic
standards
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 and unhealthy
behaviors
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behaviours
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. One reason why idolizing
celebrities
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 as
role
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models
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 is detrimental is their promotion of unrealistic societal
standards
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. To put it simply, even though some famous people have a right standard,
the
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apply
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others do not and
this
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 can directly impact
children
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's minds as they will see it as a good value in society.
For instance
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, some famous people, as seen in China, often abuse substances and promote
this
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behavior
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behaviour
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 to their fans.
As a result
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, the young can think that it is just a method of relaxation without knowing the effect of
this
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 action. Another drawback of seeing famous people as
role
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models
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 is that it can lead to unhealthy lifestyles in
children
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.
In other words
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, some
celebrities
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 embody beauty
standards
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, leading the younger generation to aspire to emulate them.
However
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, achieving
such
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standards
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 may require extreme measures
such
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 as prolonged fasting or excessive exercise.
Due to
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it
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this
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,
children
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 can form an unhealthy lifestyle.
For example
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, in South Korea, where beauty
standards
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 are highly emphasized,
celebrities
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 adhere to rigorous schedules to maintain their appearance.
However
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,
children
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 may misconstrue
this
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 as a healthy lifestyle and blindly emulate it, leading to detrimental effects.
By contrast
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, there is an advantage of
this
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 tendency is that it helps young generations widen their knowledge. To explain
further
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, some
celebrities
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 who use their platform to promote education, creativity, and critical thinking can contribute positively to
children
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's intellectual development.
While
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this
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 may hold true, if these individuals are uninformed, they may disseminate misinformation that directly impacts the younger generation's worldview.
Consequently
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,
children
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 not only fail to gain
any
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apply
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valuable insights from
celebrities
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 but
also
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 acquire erroneous beliefs. In conclusion,
while
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 idolizing
celebrities
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 as
role
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models
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 may offer educational value, the drawbacks of promoting unrealistic
standards
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 and unhealthy lifestyles overshadow any potential benefits.

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task achievement
Ensure to refine and clarify the thesis statement in the introduction. The thesis should briefly encapsulate the main points that will be discussed without ambiguity.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transition between paragraphs. This could involve using more cohesive devices or phrases to ensure smooth flow from one point to the next.
task achievement
Strong examples have been provided, making the arguments more compelling and relatable.
coherence cohesion
Clear and logical structure is present, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument.
coherence cohesion
A concise conclusion effectively reinforces the main points discussed in the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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