IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays people usually retire at the age of 60 or 65, but some want to keep working as long as they can. Is this a positive or a negative development? Give you own opinion and relevant examples.

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Nowadays nations have the opportunity to retire at 65, but there are individuals who are working
further
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.
However
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, I think that
this
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 trend is a wrong case because a mature human can't take on his duties
as well as
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 a young one
according to
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 his physical condition.
Also
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, it means that the country's economy is at a low level and the public has to work because they aren't enough supported by the government.
Furthermore
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, the human body is a mechanism which has its own resources.
Although
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 it can be used for some period of time,
then
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 it should be changed.
For example
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, The Tokyo State University of Human Research says that after the age of 45, there are processes in the body which decrease brain and body activities.
This
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 process can't be changed.
This
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 statement is proven by the statistics for several decades. To me, it's enough to say that working after 65 is dangerous for health. Doubtless, there is nothing good in
this
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 situation.
However
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, the experience taken after years of acting should be learnt and taken into attention.
On the other hand
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 economic items, there is a huge problem if
old
Correct article usage
the old
show examples
 society is working. The country's development should be presented by the New Generation. Certainly, a good way of life for the Previous Generation should be ensured.
For example
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, the
last
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 data of social research by Cambridge University presents, that over 47% of working folk under 60 years old are situated in Developing economies,
such
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 as Kazakhstan.
On the other hand
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, it means, that there are no new specialists who can change retired ones. I think it illustrates the bad consequences of
this
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 tendency and the absence of care from the Government. In conclusion, there are more bad terms in overworking
according to
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 economic and medical issues. I believe that it is important to retire at the right time to dedicate attention and knowledge to grandchildren.

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coherence cohesion
To improve in coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that transitions between points and paragraphs are smooth. Also, more care should be taken to ensure logical flow in the essay.
task achievement
For task response, it would be helpful to elaborate more on the points presented. The essay could benefit from a more thorough exploration of arguments for and against the main perspective. This involves explaining both sides of the argument in more depth before presenting your own viewpoint.
task achievement
To achieve higher clarity and comprehensiveness of ideas, consider expanding on how the examples provided directly support your arguments. For instance, more detail on how Japan and Kazakhstan's statistics directly correlate with the central thesis about the disadvantages of working beyond the retirement age.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong introduction and conclusion, which clearly present your opinion and wrap up your arguments effectively.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the task and supported by specific examples and research data, providing substantial evidence for your views.
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