IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

: It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#schoolchildren #history #world
It is even more important for young
students
 to learn about the
history
 of their own
country
 or other societies around the
world
. I think that for young
students
, both are indispensable.
First,
studying your
country
 or city's own
history
 is certainly an integral part of the curriculum for these
students
. I believe you can delve into your
country
's past and it will give you a sense of patriotism and a basic understanding of your own
history
.
For example
, primary school children in Brazil know their own
history
, just as they know what happened to all their past presidents,
as well as
 their most important political symbols and independence.
Therefore
, these schoolchildren must have a minimum understanding of your
country
 so that they can spend a day discussing it with anyone.
On the other hand
, you have extensive international
world
history
 expertise. Share the importance of learning about what happened in other cultures and learning about important events that happened in the early
world
.
For example
, Brazilian middle school
students
 have a broad understanding of international
history
,
such
 as
World
 War I, which took place on the European continent.
To sum up
, I think it is necessary for young
students
 to learn about local
history
 in primary school to cultivate patriotism in young children, and for older international children to have a deeper understanding of what happened. in
history
. In
this
 case,
students
 graduate with the combined expertise of both prerequisites.
Submitted by dohuyhoang on

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coherence cohesion
Consider improving cohesion by using more varied linking words and phrases, which will enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Make sure all arguments are equally developed and consider elaborating on the importance of world history slightly more to balance the essay.
general
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases that could be smoothed out for clarity. For example, instead of 'your country or city's own history,' use 'their country's or city's history.'
task achievement
The essay provides a clear response to the prompt, addressing both local and world history effectively.
coherence cohesion
The main points are logically structured and supported with relevant examples, like the Brazilian students' knowledge of their history.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong conclusion that effectively summarizes the arguments presented in the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • heritage
  • cultural identity
  • ancestry
  • traditions
  • globalization
  • empathy
  • contemporary issues
  • integrate
  • perspective
  • civilization
  • diversity
  • innovations
  • historical significance
  • nationalism
  • cosmopolitanism
  • historiography
  • geopolitical
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