Nowadays there is an increase in social problems involving young people because more parents spent time at work than with their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In the modern world,
parents
tend to pay more attention to their works
, Fix the agreement mistake
work
while
their children
stay without due upbringing and oversight. It claims to be a huge problem in social
sector of our civilisation. Add an article
the social
Therefore
, I am agreed
that there is a rise in teenagers' issues related to the deficit of attention from their Wrong verb form
agree
parents
. A major growth in the quantity
of adolescents in Change the quantifier
number
the
crime and suicides in the 21st century will prove Correct article usage
apply
this
.
Firstly
, juveniles start to earn money, such
as drug
courier and theft, owing to the fact that after
this
, their relatives will spend more time with them. For instance
, a
research in 2022 Correct article usage
apply
of
the age of people in Change preposition
on
drug
trafficking claimed that 90% of all drug
traffickers are teenagers between 14 and 25 years old. Sadly, it shows that children
hope to make parents
to
look for their offspring.
Change the verb form
apply
Secondly
, the main reason of
suicides is an attention deficiency among young people. To give an example, Change preposition
for
children
are the one part of our society that needed
support and care from the old ones, and if it is no regard, it will Wrong verb form
needs
follow
to an anxious and depression. Verb problem
lead
Therefore
, adolescents are likely to kill themselves. Because
It is definitely clear that teenagers from healthy families are reaching success and highs in their own Correct word choice
apply
life
.
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
To sum up
, I totally agree that parents
who spend more time at work than with their children
are the cause to
social problems, Change preposition
of
such
as the
Correct article usage
apply
drug
transporting
and suicides. And, in the future, if Replace the word
transport
old
generation starts to attend to their Fix the agreement mistake
the older
offsprings
, Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
it
will be Correct pronoun usage
there
less
problems in the social sector.Change the quantifier
fewer
Submitted by zhanelsakhimova on
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language
While you have presented strong arguments and examples, there are some grammatical issues and awkward phrasing that can be improved for clarity. For instance, 'I am agreed' should be 'I agree' and 'It claims to be' should be 'it is becoming a'.
content
Try to elaborate more on your points and how they connect back to the thesis. For example, expand on how parents' increased work hours directly lead to the issues you mentioned.
coherence
Your essay would benefit from more varied linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas and ensure a smoother flow. For example, instead of starting a sentence with 'Firstly,' try using 'To begin with' and vary it throughout your essay.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to structure the argument effectively.
content
Your essay provides relevant specific examples, which help to support your points and make your arguments more persuasive.
task response
The essay addresses the task prompt well by discussing both the increase in social problems and the link to parental attention.