Nowadays there is an increase in social problems involving young people because more parents spent time at work than with their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the modern world,
parents
tend to pay more attention to their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
,
while
their
children
stay without due upbringing and oversight. It claims to be a huge problem in
social
Add an article
the social
show examples
sector of our civilisation.
Therefore
, I
am agreed
Wrong verb form
agree
show examples
that there is a rise in teenagers' issues related to the deficit of attention from their
parents
. A major growth in the
quantity
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
of adolescents in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crime and suicides in the 21st century will prove
this
.
Firstly
, juveniles start to earn money,
such
as
drug
courier and theft, owing to the fact that
after
this
, their relatives will spend more time with them.
For instance
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research in 2022
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
the age of people in
drug
trafficking claimed that 90% of all
drug
traffickers are teenagers between 14 and 25 years old. Sadly, it shows that
children
hope to make
parents
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
look for their offspring.
Secondly
, the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
suicides is an attention deficiency among young people. To give an example,
children
are the one part of our society that
needed
Wrong verb form
needs
show examples
support and care from the old ones, and if it is no regard, it will
follow
Verb problem
lead
show examples
to an anxious and depression.
Therefore
, adolescents are likely to kill themselves.
Because
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
It is definitely clear that teenagers from healthy families are reaching success and highs in their own
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
To sum up
, I totally agree that
parents
who spend more time at work than with their
children
are the cause
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
social problems,
such
as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
drug
transporting
Replace the word
transport
show examples
and suicides. And, in the future, if
old
Fix the agreement mistake
the older
show examples
generation starts to attend to their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
will be
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
problems in the social sector.
Submitted by zhanelsakhimova on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language
While you have presented strong arguments and examples, there are some grammatical issues and awkward phrasing that can be improved for clarity. For instance, 'I am agreed' should be 'I agree' and 'It claims to be' should be 'it is becoming a'.
content
Try to elaborate more on your points and how they connect back to the thesis. For example, expand on how parents' increased work hours directly lead to the issues you mentioned.
coherence
Your essay would benefit from more varied linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas and ensure a smoother flow. For example, instead of starting a sentence with 'Firstly,' try using 'To begin with' and vary it throughout your essay.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to structure the argument effectively.
content
Your essay provides relevant specific examples, which help to support your points and make your arguments more persuasive.
task response
The essay addresses the task prompt well by discussing both the increase in social problems and the link to parental attention.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: