IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Children facing academic, social and commercial pressures. Causes and solutions.

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Children
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 have
overbearing
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an overbearing
the overbearing
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 burden in their academics,
social
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and social
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 life
as well as
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 in commercial settings. Globalisation and increased
parents
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’
expectations
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 contribute immensely to
this
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 pressure
while
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 a
well established
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well-established
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 parent-child relationship and a decreased expectation from a child can ameliorate the problem extensively. In
this
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 essay, I will elucidate on these multifarious contributing factors and proposed solutions. One reason can be attributed to the tremendously advancing technology. The huge planet
earth
Capitalize word
Earth
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 of decades ago has become a small global village which is well linked up.
This
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 emergence increases the range of competition in the sphere of knowledge acquisition, interaction and public exchange.
For instance
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, a student is no longer in competition with a regular schoolmate or a
next door
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next-door
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 neighbour, but rather has to invest more time and energy against other rivalries within the now small global village.
Additionally
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,
parents
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 contribute immensely to
this
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 problem
due to
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 their increased
expectations
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 from their kids, especially their quest for outstanding academic performance from the
children
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,
coupled with
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 other extracurricular merits. These
consequently
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 emanate an overwhelming feeling of pressure on these teenagers.
On the other hand
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,
parents
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 can contribute to the mitigation of the burden by having a
well established
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well-established
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 rapport with their
children
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. An example is spending more quality time with family
,
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apply
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while
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 having extensive
discussion
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discussions
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 of daily life challenges with the kids. At the same time,
parents
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 and guardians should subdue their unrealistic
expectations
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 of the
children
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 in
this
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 tedious small globe.
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Subsequently
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Subsequently,
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 they would be reassured and relieved of the enormous worries of life. In conclusion, teenagers have more shouldering problems
due to
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 world developments and
parents
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’ surging
expectations
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.
Parents
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 can help reduce
this
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 pressure by creating a good relationship with their
children
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.

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task response
While the essay addresses the topic and provides relevant points, there is room for improvement regarding the clarity and depth of the ideas. Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from more varied sentence structures and advanced vocabulary. This would enhance the overall coherence and make the arguments more compelling. Make sure to also link sentences and ideas smoothly.
task response
Try to include more relevant and specific examples to reinforce your points. This will make your arguments more persuasive and demonstrate your understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each part is easy to identify and follows a logical order.
task response
The main points are relevant and directly address the causes and solutions related to the academic, social, and commercial pressures faced by children.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points and reiterates the main argument, providing a sense of closure to the essay.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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