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Band 7

some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance
In recent years, factors that contribute to personal
success
 have been a debatable topic.
While
 I acknowledge the validity of determination and hard
work
 to gain
success
, external influences like wealth and appearance are
also
 equally important. Introduction OK
To begin
, diligence allows
people
 to accumulate knowledge and build essential skills step by step, preparing them for future tests.
For example
, high school students can
work
 hard to win a scholarship or to get into a prestigious university, both of which will provide them with significant academic opportunities.
This
 will be a great foundation for students to achieve more
success
 later in life because they will apply the same diligent attitude to other challenges like working aboard, starting a business or raising their children. To succeed,
however
, there are bound to be many failures, encouraging
people
 to compromise and quit. Resoluteness is
therefore
 needed to help them stay disciplined. Nick Vujcic is a prime example of an unyielding spirit since his disability has not prevented him from bringing positivity to the community by being an inspirational figure. He participated in soccer matches, did numerous presentations around the world, and wrote books about how to overcome the hardships of lacking body parts.
In addition
 to external factors, internal factors like appearance are
also
 highly valued. Having a beautiful appearance helps you make a good impression on your superiors and easier to be trusted at
work
. To explain, to have nice appearances,
people
 have to take care of themselves regularly by eating healthy food, doing exercises, and putting on makeup.
This
 proves that they are in charge of themselves and are more likely to have responsibility at
work
. Relationship network is
also
 something
that is
 considered to have an impact on
success
. To clarify, you can not operate your business by yourself. There will be a lot of support from different aspects
such
 as marketing, accounting, or the human resources department.
Furthermore
,
people
 with many relationships will have a greater chance of
success
 thanks to referrals from their acquaintances to their friends.
Hence
, it is said that one’s
success
 will always come with help from others.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph fully supports the main argument for a well-rounded discussion.
coherence cohesion
Make a clear conclusion summarizing both viewpoints to solidify your argument and provide closure.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and deeper analyses to support your points effectively.
task achievement
The essay shows a good understanding of the topic by discussing both viewpoints and providing relevant examples.
task achievement
Ideas are generally clear and well-expressed, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with distinct paragraphs dedicated to different aspects of the debate.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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