IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education. To what extent do you agree?

#government #budget #arts #money #education
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The proposal for prioritizing
education
Use synonyms
 over
arts
Use synonyms
through
Add a missing verb
is through
show examples
 cutting down expenses of
arts
Use synonyms
 and putting up
money
Add an article
the money
show examples
 spent on
Use synonyms
education
Add an article
the education
show examples
 sector. I completely agree with
Use synonyms
government’s
Correct article usage
the government’s
show examples
 stance on
this
Linking Words
 matter. Spend more on
education
Use synonyms
. I argue that if
education
Use synonyms
 is well-funded, all other sectors will get better including
Use synonyms
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, it's often believed that if a country's schools and colleges aren't given enough cash to build classrooms
then
Linking Words
 believe it or not all other sectors in the
government
Use synonyms
 will not
in
Add a missing verb
be in
show examples
 good shape, and
in contrast
Linking Words
 if these are well-off.
Equally
Add a comma
Equally,
show examples
 teachers need to
paid
Add a missing verb
be paid
show examples
 well so they pay their bills. The combination of these two
contribute
Change the verb form
contributes
show examples
 to
raise
Change the verb form
raising
show examples
 children who are knowledgeable and
therefore
Linking Words
 health,
economic
Replace the word
economics
show examples
 and all other departments of
government
Use synonyms
 replenish.
Moreover
Linking Words
, when schools and all educational sectors lack
capital
Add an article
the capital
show examples
 to continue their operation, learners start doubting their future and their go-to solution oftentimes is the dropout.
This
Linking Words
results
Add the preposition
results in
results from
show examples
 music schools
are
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 fully filled with students,
while
Linking Words
 science colleges don't have a small number of students.
In addition
Linking Words
to
Correct pronoun usage
to this
show examples
, the effects of not finding people
work
Fix the infinitive
to work
show examples
Change preposition
in these
show examples
these profession
Change the determiner
this profession
these professions
show examples
 can result
government
Use synonyms
deal
Wrong verb form
dealing
show examples
 with all
sort
Fix the agreement mistake
sorts
show examples
 of problems.
For
Linking Words
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 the country might look for professional workers
come
Correct pronoun usage
who come
show examples
 from foreign countries and
that is
Linking Words
 a huge problem because of communication barriers.
To sum up
Linking Words
, it can be argued
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
whether governments have more budget for
arts
Use synonyms
 than
education
Use synonyms
 or not. In my view, I feel that
Use synonyms
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 sector improves every aspect of
government
Use synonyms
 agencies,
departments
Correct word choice
and departments
show examples
, so it must
be spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 the most money on
education
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by mohammednou2t on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction outlines your stance well; however, it could be more succinct and focused. Try to clearly state the importance of funding education over arts in a single, compelling sentence.
task achievement
Your main points are generally supported, but the examples could be more specific and clear. Introduce distinct examples for better illustration of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Keep your arguments within your paragraphs focused and concise. Each main point should directly follow a clear topic sentence to ensure the reader remains aligned with your narrative.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each of your ideas flows naturally into the next. Better transitions between paragraphs can improve the overall coherence of your essay.
task achievement
Your argument that funding education can have positive effects on other sectors, including arts, is well put and demonstrates critical thinking.
task achievement
You effectively raise valid points about the wider implications of insufficient funding in education, such as potential dropout rates and dependency on foreign professionals.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: