The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education. To what extent do you agree?

The proposal for prioritizing
education
over
arts
through
Add a missing verb
is through
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cutting down expenses of
arts
and putting up
money
Add an article
the money
show examples
spent on
education
Add an article
the education
show examples
sector. I completely agree with
government’s
Correct article usage
the government’s
show examples
stance on
this
matter. Spend more on
education
. I argue that if
education
is well-funded, all other sectors will get better including
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
.
For instance
, it's often believed that if a country's schools and colleges aren't given enough cash to build classrooms
then
believe it or not all other sectors in the
government
will not
in
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be in
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good shape, and
in contrast
if these are well-off.
Equally
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Equally,
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teachers need to
paid
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be paid
show examples
well so they pay their bills. The combination of these two
contribute
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contributes
show examples
to
raise
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raising
show examples
children who are knowledgeable and
therefore
health,
economic
Replace the word
economics
show examples
and all other departments of
government
replenish.
Moreover
, when schools and all educational sectors lack
capital
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the capital
show examples
to continue their operation, learners start doubting their future and their go-to solution oftentimes is the dropout.
This
results
Add the preposition
results in
results from
show examples
music schools
are
Wrong verb form
being
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fully filled with students,
while
science colleges don't have a small number of students.
In addition
to
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to this
show examples
, the effects of not finding people
work
Fix the infinitive
to work
show examples
Change preposition
in these
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these profession
Change the determiner
this profession
these professions
show examples
can result
government
deal
Wrong verb form
dealing
show examples
with all
sort
Fix the agreement mistake
sorts
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of problems.
For
instance
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instance,
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the country might look for professional workers
come
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who come
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from foreign countries and
that is
a huge problem because of communication barriers.
To sum up
, it can be argued
that
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apply
show examples
whether governments have more budget for
arts
than
education
or not. In my view, I feel that
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
sector improves every aspect of
government
agencies,
departments
Correct word choice
and departments
show examples
, so it must
be spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
the most money on
education
.
Submitted by mohammednou2t on

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task achievement
Your introduction outlines your stance well; however, it could be more succinct and focused. Try to clearly state the importance of funding education over arts in a single, compelling sentence.
task achievement
Your main points are generally supported, but the examples could be more specific and clear. Introduce distinct examples for better illustration of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Keep your arguments within your paragraphs focused and concise. Each main point should directly follow a clear topic sentence to ensure the reader remains aligned with your narrative.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each of your ideas flows naturally into the next. Better transitions between paragraphs can improve the overall coherence of your essay.
task achievement
Your argument that funding education can have positive effects on other sectors, including arts, is well put and demonstrates critical thinking.
task achievement
You effectively raise valid points about the wider implications of insufficient funding in education, such as potential dropout rates and dependency on foreign professionals.
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