IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education. To what extent do you agree?

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The proposal for prioritizing
education
Use synonyms
 over
arts
Use synonyms
through
Add a missing verb
is through
show examples
 cutting down expenses of
arts
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 and putting up
money
Add an article
the money
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 spent on
Use synonyms
education
Add an article
the education
show examples
 sector. I completely agree with
Use synonyms
government’s
Correct article usage
the government’s
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 stance on
this
Linking Words
 matter. Spend more on
education
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. I argue that if
education
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 is well-funded, all other sectors will get better including
Use synonyms
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, it's often believed that if a country's schools and colleges aren't given enough cash to build classrooms
then
Linking Words
 believe it or not all other sectors in the
government
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 will not
in
Add a missing verb
be in
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 good shape, and
in contrast
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 if these are well-off.
Equally
Add a comma
Equally,
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 teachers need to
paid
Add a missing verb
be paid
show examples
 well so they pay their bills. The combination of these two
contribute
Change the verb form
contributes
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 to
raise
Change the verb form
raising
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 children who are knowledgeable and
therefore
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 health,
economic
Replace the word
economics
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 and all other departments of
government
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 replenish.
Moreover
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, when schools and all educational sectors lack
capital
Add an article
the capital
show examples
 to continue their operation, learners start doubting their future and their go-to solution oftentimes is the dropout.
This
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results
Add the preposition
results in
results from
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 music schools
are
Wrong verb form
being
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 fully filled with students,
while
Linking Words
 science colleges don't have a small number of students.
In addition
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to
Correct pronoun usage
to this
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, the effects of not finding people
work
Fix the infinitive
to work
show examples
Change preposition
in these
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these profession
Change the determiner
this profession
these professions
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 can result
government
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deal
Wrong verb form
dealing
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 with all
sort
Fix the agreement mistake
sorts
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 of problems.
For
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instance
Add a comma
instance,
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 the country might look for professional workers
come
Correct pronoun usage
who come
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 from foreign countries and
that is
Linking Words
 a huge problem because of communication barriers.
To sum up
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, it can be argued
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
whether governments have more budget for
arts
Use synonyms
 than
education
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 or not. In my view, I feel that
Use synonyms
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 sector improves every aspect of
government
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 agencies,
departments
Correct word choice
and departments
show examples
, so it must
be spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 the most money on
education
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Your introduction outlines your stance well; however, it could be more succinct and focused. Try to clearly state the importance of funding education over arts in a single, compelling sentence.
task achievement
Your main points are generally supported, but the examples could be more specific and clear. Introduce distinct examples for better illustration of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Keep your arguments within your paragraphs focused and concise. Each main point should directly follow a clear topic sentence to ensure the reader remains aligned with your narrative.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each of your ideas flows naturally into the next. Better transitions between paragraphs can improve the overall coherence of your essay.
task achievement
Your argument that funding education can have positive effects on other sectors, including arts, is well put and demonstrates critical thinking.
task achievement
You effectively raise valid points about the wider implications of insufficient funding in education, such as potential dropout rates and dependency on foreign professionals.
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