IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some countries have an ever-increasing proportion of population who are aged at 15 or younger. What is your opinion of the current and future effects it may have in those countries

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In recent years, the issue of the increasing proportion of young people in several nations has gained significant attention.
While
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this
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 phenomenon has both pros and cons, I strongly believe that the increasing proportion of young people may lead to significant challenges and outweigh the benefits in the future. Without a shadow of a doubt, the increase of young citizens can
initially
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 benefit the national economy by providing a future
labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 workforce.
For instance
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, Vietnam's 'golden population structure' indicates a young population poised to contribute significantly to various sectors.
However
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,
this
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 potential benefit is contingent on substantial investments in education and training.
Hence
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,
while
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 the growth of young individuals can do wonders for the country's economy,
this
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 is only possible if adequate resources are allocated for their development. Despite the potential economic benefits, the drawbacks of a burgeoning young population can be severe. Developing countries may face insurmountable challenges in meeting the demands of their youth.
For example
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, in India, with millions of 15-year-olds from underprivileged backgrounds, the government must allocate substantial funds for education and healthcare, straining the national budget.
This
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 scenario illustrates the long-term economic pressure
such
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 demographic shifts can cause.
Thus
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, the growth in adolescents can have a detrimental impact on national coffers and
overall
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 economic stability. In conclusion,
while
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 a large number of teenagers can potentially become a significant workforce in the future, the economic pressure on governments, especially in developing countries, is likely to be overwhelming.
Therefore
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, the negative impacts of
such
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 a demographic trend could far outweigh the potential benefits, leading to more harm than good.

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task achievement
Your essay does a great job at addressing the task and providing a complete response. Continue to ensure that your main points are fully supported with relevant specific examples.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally coherent, ensuring smoother transitions between points can further enhance the logical structure and overall flow. For instance, linking your second body paragraph more directly to the introduction would improve the cohesion.
task achievement
Try to ensure that each main point is fully supported with more relevant and specific examples. It will help to more comprehensively develop your ideas and strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
You've provided a well-structured introduction and conclusion, which help frame your argument effectively.
task achievement
Your essay contains clear and comprehensive ideas that are relevant to the task, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • ever-increasing
  • proportion
  • vibrant
  • innovative
  • strain
  • cater
  • predominantly
  • unemployment
  • adequately
  • GDP (Gross Domestic Product)
  • sustainability
  • demographic
  • reforms
  • social unrest
  • illusioned
  • dynamic
  • global stage
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