In some cultures, children are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

The
notion
that anything can be achieved by
hardwork
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hard work
and
perservarance
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perseverance
has sparked intense debates recently.
This
easy
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essay
show examples
will delve into the merits and demerits of imposing
this
phenomenon on children
,
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apply
show examples
while
maintaining a neutral stance. Proponents of
this
notion
argue that
they
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
are numerous benefits to
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
educating
youngers
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younger
show examples
on how paramount
hardwork
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hard work
is.
Firstly
, when minors develop
mindset
Add an article
a mindset
the mindset
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that
there
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
anything is attainable by continous
hardwork
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hard work
, It motivates them
in
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to
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pursing
Verb problem
pursue
show examples
their dreams and
Change preposition
in an
show examples
an
Correct article usage
the
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event that they face changes, they are able to restrategise, refocus and restart.
This
plays an instrumental well-being not only
in
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of
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an individual but a society as a whole.
For instance
, a student having difficulties in a subject in school will have the impetus to
ciontinue
Correct your spelling
continue
trying hard, devoting a substantial amount of time to learn the subjects as they believe that there is nothing
hardworkwork
Correct your spelling
hard work work
cannot achieve.
Additionally
, almost most of the innovation and technological advancement
have
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has
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been a success through
hardwork
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hard work
and resilience, if these people
up
Add a missing verb
were up
show examples
on these ventures
due to
uncertanty
Correct your spelling
uncertainty
and
obstancle
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obstacle
obstacles
obscured, the world would be stagnant.
However
, the disadvantages of
this
notion
cannot be understated. Working hard in itself has no drawbacks but the extent
at
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to
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which an individual will achieve anything is what becomes a problem,
for instance
, a medical student
have
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has
show examples
academic challenges may not be willing to
enroll
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enrol
show examples
in
an alternative programs
Correct the article-noun agreement
an alternative program
alternative programs
show examples
because they believe they can excel in the field because of the preinstalled
notion
.
This
posses
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poses
show examples
a huge challenge and can lead to psychological disorders, depression, financial loss and
heihhtened
Correct your spelling
heightened
stress
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
in the event that their dreams are not fulfilled.
Hence
, it is essential for caregivers and career guidance instructors to offer appropriate education on
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
. In conclusion, both the benefits are
potentail
Correct your spelling
potential
drawbacks are valid.
Although
it is incontrovertible that
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
has high success rates and has
lead
Wrong verb form
led
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to numerous
invention
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inventions
show examples
and
tecnological
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technological
advance
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advances
show examples
, its potential drawback
such
as
finanvial
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financial
loss, mental dysregulation and self harm cannot be overlooked. It is essential that an individual should carefully consider
this
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these
show examples
factors before
endeveouring
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endeavouring
to pursue a career or project.
Submitted by shantalesiyoni23 on

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language
There are several small grammatical mistakes (e.g., 'children how paramount hardwork is' should be 'children on how paramount hard work is') and typos (e.g., 'easy' should be 'essay', 'coinntinue' should be 'continue'). Proofreading your work will significantly improve this.
structure
The essay could be more logically organized. Consider breaking it into more paragraphs to clearly separate different points. Proper use of transitional phrases will also aid the reader in following your argument clearly.
content development
Clarify your points more thoroughly. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that this idea is well-developed with specific examples or explanations. For instance, elaborate on how hard work contributes to technological advancement with more concrete examples.
content
You've provided a fairly balanced discussion covering both the advantages and disadvantages of the message.
structure
Your introduction and conclusion serve their purpose well by outlining the essay's topic and summarizing the key points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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