Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development.
It is true that some
children
waste their times
per day with their Fix the agreement mistake
time
smartphones
. I believe that it has been a debating
subject for years because of the terms of technology. Wrong verb form
debated
As a result
, this
dependency has become a crucial problem in young people’s daily life.
First
Correct article usage
The first
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
of
Change preposition
for
this
, smartphones
present numerous entertainment benefit
for Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
children
. It is obvious that,
the world changed rapidly after the invention of the telephone. Remove the comma
apply
As a consequence
these
, for Correct determiner usage
apply
children
who were born in this
century, smartphones
almost
their part of bodies. Add a missing verb
are almost
Second
reason Add an article
The second
of
Change preposition
for
this
, companies which are in technological
area, try to ensure that they Add an article
the technological
created
vehicles Wrong verb form
create
for
attract individuals’ attention Change preposition
to
especially
young ones. Add the comma(s)
, especially
For instance
, Steve Jobs who is founder
of Apple, admitted to the media that the reason why the interfaces of the phones they produce are colourful and the infrastructure is Correct article usage
the founder
according to
children
's games is to attract the attention of children
.
On the other hand
, the fact that smartphones
are really popular device
and Fix the agreement mistake
devices
has
numerous bad impacts on Change the verb form
have
children
. Firstly
, children
who live dependent on phones are closed to communication and irritable compared to people of other generations. According to
the latest crime statistics, children
who play on the phone all the time are more likely to get involved in crime because their emotional intelligence is not developed. Secondly
, this
addiction also
affects their intellectual development in a seriously bad way. In a recent experiment conducted on children
about telephones, it was proved that children
who had never met the phone had more improved motor skills and were more creative.
In conclusion, as a result
of the current century, mobile phones have become a very important part of children
's lives and therefore
have undoubtely
negative effects on Correct your spelling
undoubtedly
children
.Submitted by nur.kaya on
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task achievement
Ensure to address both parts of the prompt in a balanced way. While the essay discusses the reasons for excessive smartphone use among children, it should also more explicitly discuss why this is considered a negative development.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing paragraphs more logically. Make sure each paragraph clearly centers around one main idea. The essay can benefit from better transitions between sentences and ideas to enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
Proofread for grammatical inaccuracies and awkward phrasing to improve clarity. For example, phrases like 'waste their times per day' should be refined. Also, ensure consistency in tense usage throughout the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides good examples and relevant details that connect to the main points, such as the mention of Steve Jobs and crime statistics related to emotional intelligence.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the essay well and makes it easier for the reader to follow.