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Writing Samples
Band 8

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent decades, the field of education has turned into an area of immense pressure.
Consequently
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, many think that non-academic
subjects
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 should be eliminated from the
school
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 curriculum so that students can be more focused on academics. In my opinion, even though academic training is important, extracurricular
activities
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also
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 play a crucial role in the development of a child and
hence
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 should be added to the
school
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 syllabus. It has been argued that children must not be taught non-academic
subjects
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 as it lessens concentration in studies among them.
Moreover
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, these people
also
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 contend that when these little ones indulge in other tasks
such
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 as athletics or cookery, they find it more interesting than other academic
subjects
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.
For instance
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, a survey conducted in Australia reveals that 60% of children who are active in sports do not attend regular classes in educational institutions which is a precarious situation considering future prospects.
Therefore
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, it is undeniable that
activities
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 outside studies can exacerbate a student's academic journey.
On the contrary
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, extracurricular
activities
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 are vital to be taught in
school
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 because academic background alone may not help the child to grow physically or mentally.
Furthermore
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, a pupil who is involved in games or sports enhances his or her physical
as well as
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 mental strength.
For example
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, certain schools in India are designated as sports schools in which physical education has paramount importance; these children are strong both physically and mentally which makes them represent the country at international levels.
Thus
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, it is advisable to teach non-academic
subjects
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 at
school
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 to build a powerful and healthy offspring.
To conclude
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, it has become increasingly common to impose unnecessary pressure on kids of younger age.
While
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 non-academic
subjects
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 may divert attention towards studies, these are extremely beneficial to promote the mental and physical well-being of the young generation. From my perspective, schools must include physical education and other
activities
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such
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 as cookery or drawing as part of their curriculum.

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task achievement
To enhance task response, consider addressing potential counterarguments more explicitly. This can strengthen the overall argument by showcasing a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure that all paragraphs are linked smoothly with appropriate transitional phrases. This helps maintain a logical flow and makes the essay easier to follow.
introduction conclusion present
The essay includes a clear and concise introduction that effectively introduces the topic and presents the writer's stance.
supported main points
The main points are well-supported with relevant examples, helping to illustrate the arguments convincingly.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main arguments and reiterates the writer's stance, providing a strong closing to the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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