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Band 6

Many manfuactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. do you agree or disagree ?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
There is an escalating consumption in terms of sugary food and beverages leading to
health
 issues. It is believed that the price of these
products
 must be increased in order to encourage
people
 to consume
sugar
. The writer of
this
 essay strongly agrees because of the contribution to
health
 problems
as well as
 restricting the expense of sugary
products
. There is no doubt that
sugar
 has adverse effects on
people
's
health
. To be specific, with the large amount of
sugar
 contained in food,
people
 could not control the level of
sugar
 in the blood in their bodies. When it comes to diet if it is high in fat
along with
sugar
, it will lead to obesity. Since
then
, there
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 many serious diseases occurring in not only the elderly but
also
 youngsters.
For example
, around 30% of
people
 in Vietnam have diabetes
due to
 their unhealthy diet containing many sweet foodstuffs. Another assumption is
people
 are able to cut down their expenses on these unhealthy
products
. To be simpler, users have a tendency to purchase
products
 which have
a high costs
Correct the article-noun agreement
high costs
a high cost
show examples
due to
 the sense of
unecessity
Correct your spelling
necessity
unnecessary
. On top of that, these foods are replaced by others which are cheaper and guarantee high-quality
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
safe ingredients.
As a result
, the more expensive the food is, the less shopping needs for
people
. In conclusion, with the predicament of
health
 problems, these refreshments must be increased in their prices to prevent
people
 from dangerous diseases.
Additionally
, the sense of expensiveness could reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
's payment on these sugary
products
.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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task achievement
Ensure to clearly define and elaborate on your main points. Some ideas, especially in the second paragraph, could be more developed.
coherence cohesion
While the essay flows well, using more connecting words and phrases could improve the coherence even further.
coherence cohesion
Strong introduction and conclusion which clearly state your stance and summarize your points.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt well, discussing both health issues and the economic aspect of raising prices.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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