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Band 8

Some people say that what children watch influences their behavior. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behavior most. Discuss both views and qive your opinion.

#people #children #influences #behavior #amount #time #television #qive
Children are like blank sheets of paper and what they are exposed to every day will gradually affect their habits. There is an argument that the amount of time spent watching TV forces young people's behaviour, meanwhile, I think the content of the program influences their nature. I will shed light on my attitude in the following issue. On the one hand, there are various reasons why children's behaviour is impacted by the amount of time they spend sitting in front of the television.
Firstly
, if kids watch too much TV will become addicted, which might lead to weak health conditions and neglect of outdoor activities.
Secondly
, those who devote all their time to watching shows may isolate themselves from the people around them.
As a result
, they will be slow to develop many social skills, that are considered essential for their lives and make themselves vulnerable to autism.
On the other hand
, it seems to me that, the program's content influences their actions most.
Initially
, in many countries, they will show inappropriate programs, namely violence or addictive substances,
therefore
 , when youngsters watch those things, they have improper behaviour and unhealthy habits.
For example
, youth will that they watch without knowing how it will affect their health.
Moreover
, in today’s society, advertising
also
 partly stimulates young people. They will be impacted by attractive advertisements for junk food or video games and ask their parents to buy these goods impulsively. In conclusion, though both two factors have negative impacts on kids, I believe that the content is more considerable.
Hence
, parents' intervention is essential in controlling what programs children watch that are appropriate for them.
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

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task achievement
The essay addresses both views and provides a clear opinion, but more specific examples would further strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Transitions between paragraphs are mostly clear, but further use of linking phrases would help improve the flow.
grammar
Avoid minor grammatical errors to make your argument clearer and more professional. Proofreading could be useful.
introduction conclusion present
You have presented a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
logical structure
The essay maintains a logical structure and each paragraph addresses a distinct point.
supported main points
You provided relevant points to support your argument, making the essay persuasive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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