IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, government should focus on reducing enviromental pollution and housing problems. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #government #focus #pollution
Investing money in tackling environmental and housing problems or preventing illnesses and diseases is a highly debate subject.
This
 writer believes that investing money in
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 is more beneficial
due to
 its profit and maintenance. It must be understood that spending investment in household and environmental
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 is commercial.
This
 is because
superior
Correct article usage
a superior
show examples
 household and
environment
 can
evolve
Verb problem
improve
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mental health, which will
promote
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
 the workers to generate more products.
As a result
, the economy of the nation can be increased and bring more profit to the society. The surveillance of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
BBC
news
Capitalize word
News
show examples
 in 2014 showed that the efficiency of employees can be higher than 50% just by giving them a superior working
environment
.
Therefore
, improving
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 can bring a lot of benefits to the economy. Another factor worth consideration is the likelihood to maintain
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a long time.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that by improving the
environment
Replace the word
environmental
show examples
 status, the impact can
long-lasting
Add a missing verb
be long-lasting
show examples
 and it is
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
to
Change preposition
as
show examples
 its profit.
As a consequence
, it can
assure
Verb problem
ensure
show examples
 the sustainability of the nation and help it to avoid collapsing in the far future. Taking Norway as a prime example, where their environmental legislation in 1970 had made it
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 one of the most sustainable developed countries in the world nowadays. Taking everything into account, it is more
deserve
Change the form of the verb
deserving
show examples
 to
putting
Wrong verb form
put
show examples
resource
Fix the agreement mistake
resources
show examples
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
environment
Add an article
the environment
an environment
show examples
 rather than
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 the housing problem.
Thus
,
this
 writer totally agrees that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should pay more money and attention
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 developing and protecting
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Ensure that the introduction clearly outlines your main arguments to provide a roadmap for the reader.
cohesion
Work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs to maintain the flow of your essay.
task response
While your argument is clear, providing more detailed explanations for your points can improve task achievement.
coherence
Proofread your work to correct grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, especially in complex sentences.
examples
The essay provides relevant examples, such as the BBC news surveillance and Norway's environmental legislation.
task response
The argument that investing in the environment has long-term benefits is well-presented and logical.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: