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Band 3.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #outweigh
The invention of technologies
have
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has
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 influenced
juveniles
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juveniles'
juvenile's
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 way of allocating their leisure time. In my opinion, the cons
is
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are
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 more significant than the pros
becauce
Correct your spelling
because
 it could lead to isolation and
also
 has more health implications.
Firstly
, exposure to the new device would result
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
Correct article usage
the seperation
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seperation
Correct your spelling
separation
 of
children
 from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society. There
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 plentiful
of
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apply
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entertainment which is really addictive and they can spend a lot of time flipping from one game to another without interacting
to
Change preposition
with
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thier
Correct your spelling
their
 peers and family. They seem to enjoy their own company
than
Correct quantifier usage
more than
show examples
 others.
For instance
, research has shown that about 70% of
children
 who have
differnt
Correct your spelling
different
kind
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kinds
show examples
 of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 devices are antisocial.
Moreover
, frequent use of technology could lead to health problems. The constant use of
computer
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computers
show examples
 and long exposure of light to the
eye
 can cause
eye
problem
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problems
show examples
. The addictive nature of the invention
glue
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glues
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 infant to the device and
capture
Correct subject-verb agreement
captures
show examples
 their
wholeself
Correct your spelling
whole self
whole-self
 without blinking their
eye
.
This
 caused the
eye
 to irritate and redness and sometimes could result
to
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in
show examples
short sightedness
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short-sightedness
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.
For example
, a paper published by Ghanaian Times
indicate
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indicates
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 that about 60% of young
children
 who are
sufferring
Correct your spelling
suffering
 from
short sightedness
Add a hyphen
short-sightedness
show examples
 is
as a result
 of long exposure to screens. In conclusion,
although
 we have some advantages ,
but
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apply
show examples
the disadvantages
outweights
Correct your spelling
outweigh
outweighs
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 because they have
serious
Add an article
a serious
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 impact on
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 health and
caused
Wrong verb form
cause
show examples
 disassociation from their family and peers.
Submitted by ricardo.volvox on

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task response
Your response addresses the prompt and presents a clear position, but it would benefit from further development. Consider adding more points about potential advantages to create a balanced argument and address the prompt fully.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, try to improve the flow between paragraphs through better use of transition words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
task response
Although your main points are supported by examples, ensure the examples directly reinforce the main argument. The relevance and specificity of examples could be improved for a clearer link with the main points.
coherence and cohesion
There are some grammatical errors and misspellings (e.g. 'becauce' should be 'because', 'seperation' should be 'separation', etc.), which slightly detract from the clarity. Proofreading your work can help minimize such errors.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, aim to use a variety of sentence structures and linking phrases to connect your ideas more fluidly.
task response
You have clearly outlined both the advantages and disadvantages of new technologies on children, which is key to addressing the essay prompt.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion succinctly frame your argument, providing a neat summary of your main points.
task response
The use of specific research examples, such as the study from Ghanaian Times, adds credibility to your arguments and demonstrates the application of evidence.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • new technologies
  • children
  • free time
  • access
  • educational resources
  • information
  • development
  • key skills
  • enhancing
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • opportunity
  • connect
  • convenience
  • flexibility
  • lack
  • physical activity
  • potential
  • health issues
  • impact
  • social
  • emotional development
  • exposure
  • inappropriate content
  • addiction
  • dependency
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