At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
Nowadays, in many
nations
the population of Add a comma
nations,
adult
generation is more than Correct article usage
the adult
old
generation. Add an article
the old
While
this
phenomenon might have some cons, I personally believe that its pros are more because the young people have an important role in country’s
development.
It is true thatCorrect article usage
the country’s
,
there are some negative drawbacks to the excessive Remove the comma
apply
number
of young population. Firstly
, it is essensial
Correct your spelling
essential
elderlies
get Correct word choice
that elderlies
the
important career Correct article usage
an
of
a nation because they have more life experience compared to young Change preposition
in
adults
. This
feature helps them to be more patient and get
wiser decisions . Verb problem
make
This
means that,
Remove the comma
apply
adults
are not the best choice of
getting critical jobs like big Change preposition
for
company’s
Change noun form
company
director
or even Fix the agreement mistake
directors
country
president
Fix the agreement mistake
presidents
,
because they do not have sufficient experience in making hard decisions. Remove the comma
apply
Secondly
, presence
of grandparents is vital for Correct article usage
the presence
upbringing
Correct article usage
the upbringing
young
Change preposition
of young
children
. The majority of young parents are not capable of rising
their Correct your spelling
raising
children
because of their workloads. They just put their offspring in kindergartens for long hours which has some negative impacts on child’s health. The old grandparents are always a better option for taking care of children
because of their passion and experince
.
Correct your spelling
experience
However
, I argue that the large number
of young adults
in society has numerous advantages. One of the primary benefits is their youth energy, younger people are able to do more difficult occupations compared to siniors
. Working in the industrial areas Correct your spelling
seniors
requirs
lots of Correct your spelling
requires
require
hardworking
and power which Correct word choice
hard work
is
not Verb problem
does
exsist
in an old person. The more young Correct your spelling
exist
exists
adults
work in the industry’s sections, the more advancement the country
would
achieve. Wrong verb form
will
Moreover
, the number
of young adults
has direct
connection with the population of a Add an article
a direct
country
. The adult generation could get married and have children
who
might be beneficial for the future of the Correct pronoun usage
which
country
. Finally
, adults
are more enthusiastic in
learning new language and technology. Change preposition
about
This
might help them to meet foreigners and exchange information with more developed countries through the internet
. Capitalize word
Internet
As a result
, they could bring the lates technolgy
to their Correct your spelling
latest technology
country
in various fields from science to medical
.
In conclusion, Replace the word
medicine
although
the higher number
of young people could have some disadvantages, I suppose its benefits surpass the drawbacks due to
tremendous
achievement they could bring Correct article usage
the tremendous
for
their society.Change preposition
to
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task achievement
While your essay addresses the prompt well and provides clear arguments for both the advantages and disadvantages of a younger population, make sure to thoroughly develop each point. Providing more specific examples or case studies could make your argument even stronger.
coherence cohesion
Your essay generally flows well, but make sure to use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. This will help to improve the logical structure and clarity.
language
Work on avoiding grammatical errors and expanding your vocabulary. For example, words like 'essensial' should be 'essential', and 'experince' should be 'experience'. These small changes can have a big impact on your overall score.
overall
Consider working on the conclusion slightly more by summarizing the main points in a more impactful way. This will leave a lasting impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-rounded introduction and conclusion, which gives the essay a clear structure.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view by discussing both advantages and disadvantages, fulfilling the task requirements effectively.
language
Your essay contains some good vocabulary and varied sentence structures. Keep it up!
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example