IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that Olympics games are exciting events that bring ather nations together. Other say Olympics is a waste of money could be better spent on other things. Discuss both views and give your own opinions.

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Many individuals believe that the
Olympic
games
 are exciting events that bridge the gap between different nations
while
 others think that the Olympics leads to a waste of
money
 and it is better to spend on other things.
This
 writer agrees with the former opinion
due to
 its purpose of strengthening the international relationship and will discuss both views in
this
 writing essay. It is evident that
Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
show examples
games
 are a good way to boost the relationship between several
countries
. Spectators from all over the world will gather in
countries
 where the
Olympic
games
 are organised in order to take part in these events and learn about the culture.
According to
this
, people will know more about the unique culture and more people will decide to visit those
countries
.
Due to
this
, people will love these
countries
 and the gap between nations will be erased.
By contrast
, investing in
facilities
 which are used for the Olympics is expensive. To build a stadium with a large storage will cost a massive amount of
money
 because it requires a huge consumption of area.
Due to
this
, governments have to relocate houses and spend
money
 on constructing these buildings.
Instead
, allocating
money
 to improving other
facilities
 for citizens like health services and creating houses is more useful. If governments can improve these
facilities
, the crime rates and unemployment will be decreased.
To conclude
,
while
 allocating
money
 to other
facilities
 benefits governments,
this
 writer believes that investing in the
Olympic
games
 is a better option.
Besides
 helping to bring nations together, it
also
 develops the financial aspects.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, but it could benefit from more detailed and sophisticated linking phrases to enhance coherence. Try using phrases like 'Additionally,' 'However,' and 'For instance,' to create smoother transitions between ideas.
task achievement
While your essay provides a response to the task, it lacks depth in some places. For example, you could provide specific examples or more detailed explanations to support your points. This will make your essay more convincing and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction is clear and outlines the main points you will discuss, which sets the stage for the reader.
task achievement
You present a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument before presenting your own opinion. This approach is very effective in addressing the task comprehensively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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