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Band 4.5

More and more people are relying on the private car as their major means of transportation. Describe some of the problems over-relinace on cars can cause, and suggest at least one possible solution Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#people #car #transportation #over-relinace #cars
The private
car
 as their course means of
transportation
 is relied on by most of the
people
. Nowadays, the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
cars
 will
increase
 and it will have more impact on the environment.
This
 essay will envoy about problem and solution for
people
 who use a
car
 as a private
car
. Based on data from the Ministry of
Transportation
 of Indonesia shows that every year the percentage of private
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
show examples
 gradually
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 in Indonesia. Especially for
people
 alive in the city,
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
are employed and often move from one area to another area. One of the big reasons is the
car
 gives protection and comfort
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 him. Actually, the fuel produced by
cars
 can give disadvantages to
environment
Add an article
the environment
an environment
show examples
 like rising carbon monoxide and climate change. On the other impact is making crowded on the way
due to
 almost of
people
 using private
cars
 alone and not inviting other
people
. It
also
 creates a gap in society between rich and poor citizens like in the village. Absolutely, the
Government
 should be concerned about
this
 problem. There are many solutions for reducing using private
cars
.
Firstly
, the
Government
 need to make a policy about the number in every private
car
 when driving on the way.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 can’t use a
car
 alone and have to invite a
minimumof 4people
Correct your spelling
minimum of people
 in a private
car
. If those who are violated the
Government
 give punishment both of pay money and social punishment.
Secondly
, the quality and quantity should
increase
due to
 the
people
 will interest in using public
transportation
.
Then
, the
Government
also
 give a good example to netizens like using public
transportation
 every day. In conclusion, the percentage of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
private
cars
 rose and gave more disadvantages to the environment.
Then
, the
Government
 must make a decision about restrictions using private
cars
. In prediction, the
private
Correct quantifier usage
number of private
show examples
car
 will
increase
 especially in the city.
Submitted by writingbersama on

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task achievement
Your essay does a good job in identifying and discussing the problems of over-reliance on private cars and providing solutions, but the clarity can be improved. Ensure that your main points are clearly stated and supported by detailed and relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is logically structured, there are some issues with coherence and cohesion. Try to ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your ideas flow logically from one to the next. Transitional phrases can help link your ideas more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Work on your grammar and vocabulary to reduce errors and increase clarity. Pay attention to sentence structure, verb tense consistency, and word choice. Proofreading your essay before submission can help identify and correct these errors.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has an introduction and conclusion, which helps give it a clear beginning and end.
supported main points
You have addressed both the problems of over-reliance on private cars and suggested practical solutions. This shows your understanding of the topic and ability to think critically.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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