IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In recent years there has been a considerable rise in crime committed by young people in large cities. What has caused this? What solution can you suggest?

#years #rise #crime #people #cities
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Recently, the surge in crime rates amongst young individuals in large metropolises has become
noticeably
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noticeable
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due to
Linking Words
 the rise in
cost
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the cost
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 of living, pushing
the
Correct article usage
apply
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vulnerable young
people
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 toward committing crimes. To solve
this
Linking Words
 problem, the government could consider helping the young cope with
city's
Correct article usage
the city's
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live
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life
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, by lowering rental expenses for those individuals
,
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apply
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 and organising career workshops to help
they
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 secure
jobs
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. It is inevitable that living in a metropolis is increasingly expensive.
For example
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, rental fees in big places
such
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New
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as New
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 York City or Sydney have doubled since
last
Linking Words
 decade.
Besides
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, it is competitive to find
jobs
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 as more
people
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 migrate to those urban areas for a chance to achieve a better life.
Hence
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, it is difficult for young
people
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, especially those who just
enter
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entered
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 the workforce and
could not
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cannot
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 afford
bare
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the bare
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 necessities to survive, and they are lured toward committing crimes
such
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 as
thefts
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theft
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 or burglary to gain monetary means.
Additionally
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, the financial burdens could cause stress and depression among youngsters, turning them toward the act of
crimes
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crime
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 as a way to release their tension. In order to solve the issue, the government should step in and assist those young
people
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. By setting up career workshops to educate
as well as
Linking Words
 prepare young
people
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 for future
jobs
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, the unemployment rate could be reduced,
so
Correct word choice
and so
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will
Wrong verb form
would
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 the crime rates.
Moreover
Linking Words
, policymakers could work toward a goal to reduce housing
leases fee
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lease fees
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 for young
people
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, which can lighten up the financial burden on them and reduce depression incidents among the group. In conclusion, young
people
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 in big cities
involve
Wrong verb form
are involved
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 in crime
following
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in
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 an increasing manner, owing to the inclination of living expenses in
big
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the big
a big
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city
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cities
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. To solve
this
Linking Words
 issue, the government could aid in
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
reducing rental fees for
such
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
,
as well as
Linking Words
 holding career fairs to aid them in their
Use synonyms
jobs finding
Correct your spelling
job-finding
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 process.
Submitted by kimtruong270192 on

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task achievement
To further improve your task achievement, ensure each point is supported with relevant, specific examples and evidence. For instance, when discussing career workshops, you could provide more detailed examples of how these have been effective in specific contexts or countries.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to proofread for minor language errors and ensure sentence structures are varied. This can enhance the overall clarity and professionalism of your writing.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The main points are logically organized and well presented.
task achievement
The topic is thoroughly addressed, and the proposed solutions are insightful and relevant.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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