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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good member of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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It has been common sense that we have to become a good member of
society
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. It is often argued that
this
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 should be taught by
parents
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, whilst others disagree and think it is the responsibility of the
school
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.
Nonetheless
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, I would argue that
children
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 should learn how to be good members of
society
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 through home education provided by family.
Parents
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 taught
children
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 a lot of things, including how to be a good person.
Moreover
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, they are far more comfortable learning from their
parents
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 as they are the person who raised them. It is
therefore
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 agreed that they should learn good manners from their
parents
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.
For instance
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, when I was little, I used to follow every bit of things that my
parents
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 did,
such
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 as appreciating other people, showing my gratitude to others, and greeting the elderly to show politeness.
However
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, many people disagree and feel that the schools are responsible for teaching
children
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 proper action and manners, as the schools have their own lessons regarding character building. In
this
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 case,
school
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 is the reflection of the small-scale
society
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that is
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 similar to the real world.
Hence
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,
children
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 learn to practice what the
school
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 has taught,
for
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example
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example,
show examples
 to behave well and manage their attitude toward others by showing respect to teachers and peers. Henceforth, it will be ingrained in their mind and hearts so that when they grow up, they can be a person whose morals and behaviour are accepted by
society
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, leading them to become a good member of
society
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. In conclusion,
while
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parents
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 can teach
children
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 good manners, some still feel that the
school
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 is the perfect place to build
children
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’s character.
Nevertheless
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, I believe that parent's role is far crucial in shaping
children
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's behaviour and manner so that they can practice those aspects at
school
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, which is a small-scale
society
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.

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coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are well-done, the body paragraphs could benefit from a more balanced discussion. Ensuring both viewpoints are equally elaborated will improve the score.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, use more linking words and phrases that clearly show relationships between ideas. This will make the essay flow better and make arguments more compelling.
task achievement
The essay lacks specific, detailed examples to support some of the points. Adding more evidence and examples, such as studies or historical references, can strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Clarify your ideas further by expanding on or explaining key points. Some sentences feel a bit rushed and could benefit from more detailed elaboration.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction is clear and effectively sets up the topic and your position. This provides a strong start to your essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion nicely summarizes the key points and reinforces your opinion, which leaves a solid impression on the reader.
task achievement
You make good use of personal experience to highlight your argument. This makes your work more relatable and grounded.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • role models
  • moral values
  • social norms
  • structured environment
  • cooperation
  • respect
  • communal responsibilities
  • decision-making
  • societal integration
  • consistent messages
  • cultural expectations
  • complementary roles
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