IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays a large amount of advertising aimed at children should be banned because of the negative effects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#amount #children #effects
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It is thought by a selection of individuals that
a
Correct article usage
the
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 number of advertisements should be restricted
due to
 they bring drawbacks to minors. From my perspective, I strongly disagree with
this
 notion and my supporting reasons will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching a conclusion. At the outset, there are several reasons why these advertisements should not be banned and one of the most significant is that they are already tested thoroughly before broadcasting. To elaborate
further
, many companies invest a large amount of money in research and
thus
 they have numerous dependable and trustworthy evidence.
Moreover
, organisations will not publish false or fake claims
due to
 the fact that products will destroy their fame. An apt illustration of
this
 is one of the companies in Thailand that produces chips claimed that their products were healthy and they are already tested by a reliable and famous lab already;
as well as
 posting the test result on their website and blog.
In addition
, the representative of the company told the press that they would risk their fame by posting something nonsensical and sceptical which would obliterate their 10-year fame.
Additionally
, another clear upside is that parents always watch and take care of programmes their offspring are interested in. To explain in greater detail, they will use their experience and knowledge in order to choose what is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
best for the new generation.
Furthermore
, adults not only teach but
also
 explain which
adverts
 are true or false;
therefore
 children will grasp the aims and objectives of those
adverts
. To specifically demonstrate, my aunt mostly
spend
Change the verb form
spends
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 his time with his child watching television and he always
play
Change the verb form
plays
show examples
 channel 3 which is the most reliable source in my country.
Consequently
, when it comes to
adverts
, he will explain the aim of advertisements and not just let his offspring misunderstand the main points. All in all, it is undeniable that there are some people that want to ban tons of advertising which they think
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will provide children with negative effects. From my point of view, I disagree with
this
 idea as those companies already trial and error their outcomes;
besides
, when they are broadcasting, parents can explain and point out the real meaning of those
adverts
 to their offspring.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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introduction conclusion
Your introduction is well-defined, clearly stating your stance and what will be discussed in the essay. However, ensure a smoother transition from the introduction to the body paragraphs.
logical structure
Your essay demonstrates a clear and logical structure, and your ideas are easy to follow. Still, you should aim for a bit more variety in your linking phrases to enhance the flow of your essay.
supported main points
While your main points are mostly well-supported, one area for improvement is to ensure that every example is directly relevant and succinctly presented to strengthen your argument.
complete response
You have a comprehensive response to the task and cover the main points effectively. However, addressing a potential counter-argument could further bolster your position.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are generally clear, but be cautious with long sentences that might potentially confuse the reader. Breaking down complex ideas into shorter sentences might help in maintaining clarity.
relevant specific examples
You include specific examples that lend credibility to your argument. To make these more impactful, ensure they are directly tied to the point you are making and briefly elaborate on why they are relevant.
logical structure
Your essay displays a logical and easy-to-follow structure, making it coherent and cohesive.
introduction conclusion
The introduction clearly states your position and outlines what will be discussed, helping to set the stage for your arguments.
relevant specific examples
You provide relevant and specific examples to support your main points, adding credibility to your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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