IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and report in the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and report in the main features, and make comparisons where relevant
#bar #percentage #participation #men #development #three #companies #year #summarise #information #report #features #comparisons
The bar chart represents the proportion of
participation
 of
men
 in senior
development
 divided into three companies, namely IBM, Microsoft, and Apple in
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 over 30
year-period
Correct your spelling
year period
show examples
.
Overall
, it can be seen that the
percentage
 of
men
 in senior
development
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 IBM
company
 had
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
increased significantly, and followed by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
microsoft
Change the capitalization
Microsoft
show examples
company
 the proportion of
participation
senior
Fix the agreement mistake
seniors
show examples
 in
development
 had
slightly
Change the adverb
slight
show examples
 growth,
while
 the
apple
Capitalize word
Apple
show examples
company
was remain
Change the verb form
remained
show examples
 steady. In detail, in 1980, the
percentage
 of
participation
men
Change preposition
of men
show examples
 in senior
development
 had
significant
Change the word
significantly
show examples
 increased and in 2000 the proportion of
participation
 had quickly increased
just
Change preposition
to just
show examples
 over 60% in 2010. Meanwhile, the share of
participation
 of the Microsoft
company
 had
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
slightly increased from 1980 to 2000, and the
percentage
 had dramatically
improve
Change the verb form
improved
show examples
just
Change preposition
to just
show examples
 under 50% in the
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
.
In contrast
, the ratio of the
participation
 of
men
 in senior
development
 in the Apple
company
 had
remain
Change the verb form
remained
show examples
 steady, and in 1980 the
percentage
 of
participation
around
Add a missing verb
was around
show examples
 15% and in the
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
period only
slight
Correct article usage
a slight
show examples
 increase
just
Change preposition
of just
show examples
 over 20%.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Replace the words participation, men, development, percentage, company with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 5 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "remain" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "just over" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 3 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: