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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that Olympic games are exciting events that bring other nations together. Others say Olympic is a waste of money and the money could be better spent on other things. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Whether being interested in events which can improve other
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countries
Change noun form
countries'
country's
show examples
 relationships or a waste of
money
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, the main purpose of
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Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
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games
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 is still an argued problem.
However
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, from prior experience, it is more beneficial to admit that the
Olympics
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 is an exciting
event
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due to
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their
Change the word
the
show examples
 benefit that it could bring about and the improvement of companionship among
countries
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 around the
world
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 despite those who believe that
this
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 global
event
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 is invested in meaninglessly. It must be understood that the
Olympics
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 is a global
event
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 that not only brings other
countries
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 together but
also
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 improves the health of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
This
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 is
due to
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 its significant effect on the
world
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.
Olympic
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games
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 are events that nations around the
world
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 collaborate with each other to organize every four years. With
this
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 commitment,
relationship
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relationships
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 among these
countries
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 will
increased
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increase
be increased
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 through
this
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 global
event
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.
Thus
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, the
Olympics
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 can be a bridge
connect
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connecting
show examples
people
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 all over the
world
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.
However
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, some
people
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 think that
organization
Correct article usage
the organization
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 of
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Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
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games
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 is a waste of
money
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, they believe that
money
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 can be used
of
Change preposition
for
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 better reasons. There is a belief that the
Olympics
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bring
Verb problem
are
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 nothing but
money
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-consuming
due to
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its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 major effect.
Therefore
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, we can
image
Verb problem
apply
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easily the amount of
money
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 that has been spent on it. They are right to a certain extent, but the amount of
this
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money
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 is used as a reward for the winner of
this
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event
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 for their effort. Fortunately, the
winner
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winners
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 usually
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
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 not keep
money
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 for themselves, they will offer it for charity
actvities
Correct your spelling
activities
 and the poor so it can be hoped that
money
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 is used reasonably. From
this
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 writer's experience, the
Olympics
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 is an
event
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 that can encourage
people
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take
Add the particle
to take
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 part in
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 activities
due to
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 its important impact. Those who have been inspired will have motivation to do exercises,
as well as
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 improve their health.
For example
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, there was a research in 2008 that shows the percentage of
people
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 who attended
to
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apply
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sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 activities was highly increased in the period when the
Olympics
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 happened.
Hence
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,
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Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
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games
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 can enhance the health of not only the writer
bus
Correct your spelling
but
show examples
also
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 the society. Clearly,
this
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 essay has shown the benefits which the
Olympics
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 bring about are superior to the
money
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-consuming.
Therefore
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,
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Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
show examples
games
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 should be continued.

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coherence cohesion
A more structured approach to organizing your ideas would enhance understanding. Consider clearly marking your paragraphs with topic sentences that directly relate to the task response.
task achievement
Clarify and elaborate your arguments with more specific and relevant examples. Examples should be concrete and directly support your main points.
language use
Review grammar to avoid minor errors and enhance readability. Editing could polish your sentences, contributing to a smoother reading experience.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both perspectives on the issue, providing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
You have made good use of transitions and cohesive devices to link your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion successfully summarises your arguments and reinforces your opinion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • foster global unity
  • international camaraderie
  • cultural exchange
  • mutual understanding
  • platform for showcasing
  • national pride
  • human achievement
  • economic benefits
  • influx of tourism
  • boost local economies
  • infrastructure investments
  • long-term benefits
  • enormous costs
  • pressing social issues
  • white elephants
  • poor return on investment
  • environmental impact
  • short-lived event
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