IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some countries have legal ages at which people can drink. Other countries believe not having strict laws is a better policy. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

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Numerous nations have a law and obligation that regulates about specific
beverages
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,
however
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, some nations think by not having a strict regulations is a good
regulation
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. In my opinion, a nation does not need to
has
Wrong verb form
have
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 a strong policy about
these kind
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this kind
these kinds
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 of
beverages
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, but the rules of selling should be managed. To commence,
beverages
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 which contain
alcohol
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 have deleterious effects on
human
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the human
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 body
such
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 as
,
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apply
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 cancer, heart attack, tumour, and high blood pressure. Not only
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does these
show examples
these
Correct determiner usage
this
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 impact, but
also
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 it causes a decrease in cognitive thinking or critical thinking. Regarding
on
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apply
show examples
this
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 problem, many nationalities have legal ages to consume it. Indonesia,
for instance
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, is
one
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 of countries that has strict rule about it;
however
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, they do not have
regulation
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 at chain of distribution or marketing.
Thus
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, young generation drink the
beverages
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 without responsibility and
this
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 becomes another social problems.
Nevertheless
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, in some nationalities,
alcohol
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 becomes
one
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 of solutions to get acquintance with others. Some information
illustrate
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illustrates
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 that these customs and local traditions
affecting
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affect
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 how much amount of liquor
consumed
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is consumed
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in
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on
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their
Change the word
a
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 daily basis. Take the United States as an illustration,
this
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 prominent country does not have a strict
regulation
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 about
alcohol
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. Interestingly,
one
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 of its problems is not affected by
alcohol
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,
nonetheless
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, it is through drugs.
To sum up
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,
one
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 of
mandatory
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the mandatory
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 of the nation is to take care of the
citizen
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citizens
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 health.
Therefore
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, banning or regulating policy about alcoholic
beverages
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 become paramount. These policies should
provid
Correct your spelling
provide
 a clear elaboration about rules and
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regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
how
Correct word choice
and how
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 the stakeholders play.

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coherence cohesion
Try to organize your ideas in a clearer structure, such as by using separate paragraphs for each point of view and then a final paragraph for your own opinion. This will enhance the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
To achieve a higher score, ensure that your main points are fully developed with supporting details and relevant examples. This will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, which is essential for the structure of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the issue and includes relevant arguments for each, which is beneficial for a balanced discussion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Legal drinking age
  • Underage drinking
  • Health repercussions
  • Addiction
  • Drunk-driving
  • Responsible drinking
  • Forbidden fruit
  • Social rituals
  • Public health
  • Safety framework
  • Risks of alcohol
  • Cultural differences
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