IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Children nowadays watch TV programmes more than ever before. Is watching television good or bad for children? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#children #tv #programmes #television
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In
this
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 world of technology, the most influenced are adolescents who are spending a lot of time watching screens. Many argue that
this
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 habit has only disadvantages,
while
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 others disagree and believe that it is beneficial. In my opinion, it is extremely harmful especially for young
children
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 for their health and because of
icreased
Correct your spelling
increased
 rates of mental disorders .
This
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 essay will discuss the downsides of being addicted to TV shows by
children
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.
Firstly
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,
increased
Correct article usage
the increased
show examples
 amount of screen time is enormously detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
eye sights
Correct your spelling
the eyesight
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 of young
children
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, especially
Correct determiner usage
those who
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who are
Verb problem
those
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 between ages 2-
6
Correct word choice
and 6
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years.
For instance
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, a survey conducted by the
opthalmology
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ophthalmology
 department of the
John
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Johns
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 Hopkins
School
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 of Medicine revealed that; more than 37% of
children
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 who were exposed to television at
age
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an age
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 younger than 4 years ended up with decreased power of their eyesight and had to use spectacles
along with
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 eye drops to slow down the progressive worsening of their vision.
Secondly
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, watching television for longer hours
everyday
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every day
show examples
 has been associated with increased chances of deteriorating mental health.
For example
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,
while
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 I was doing
a
Remove the article
apply
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research in the psychiatry department of the Aga Khan University Hospital, an international study was discussed which had an alarming number of
children
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 diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder because of spending
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of time on small screen. There are some who disagree and are of the opinion that watching TV shows
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 beneficial for
children
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, as it improves their general knowledge and is a source of enjoyment after a stressful day at
school
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.
For example
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, they argue that
children
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 are able to disconnect from their daily
school
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 routines and feel better and more encouraged to study harder once completely relaxed.
To conclude
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, even though some oppose the disadvantages of TV, I would reiterate the injurious
affects
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effects
show examples
 of watching programmes on
box
Correct article usage
the box
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 screen for preschoolers and primary
school
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chidren
Correct your spelling
children
 because of harmful
affects
Replace the word
effects
show examples
 on their eyes and mental
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
.
Submitted by hnm0804 on

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task response
While your essay provides a clear response to the prompt, including specific examples and reasons, it would benefit from additional elaboration in some parts. For instance, you could further discuss potential counterarguments to strengthen your position.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure your transitions between and within paragraphs are smooth. Some sentences could be better connected. For instance, transitioning from the discussion on eye health to mental health could be made more fluid.
task response
Your examples are relevant and provide strong support for your main points. The reference to specific studies adds credibility to your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
You have included a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your arguments effectively.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is logically structured with distinct points addressed in separate paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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