IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Nowadays in some countries children are given fewer responsibilities compared to the past. Some people believe it is a positive development while other argue otherwise. Discuss both views. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

#countries #children #responsibilities #people #development
On the one hand, supporters of
this
 idea refer to the fact that
pupils
 who are assigned more
responsibilities
 tend to be prepared for more critical situations.
In other words
, if students learn to simultaneously accomplish more than two works, they will unintentionally learn
critic
Replace the word
critical
show examples
 management and problem-solving skills. In the United States,
for instance
, schoolchildren are given some
tasks
 regarding some existing issues and they would be given extra marks if they were able to solve them. The other viewpoint of
this
 group is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 taking
children
 seriously and entrusting them with
responsibilities
 can cause
children
 to show a considerable amount of creativity and
thus
 motivation;
consequently
,
pupils
 with higher levels of creativity and eagerness will have a better academic function. In Japan, as an example,
according to
 a survey,
pupils
 who were
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
part of an important task showed a remarkable increase in their performance.
By contrast
, opponents of
this
 idea point out that giving
pupils
 more
responsibilities
 will contribute to their weaker performance at school.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 their excitement for doing specific
tasks
 may distract them from their educational scopes. A student who is supposed to fulfill two or three
tasks
 might face
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of time and it might lead to his academic underperformance.
Secondly
,
according to
this
 belief,
pupils
 are still in the process of learning and are required to be considered novices.
Therefore
, it is better
schoolchildren
Change preposition
for schoolchildren
show examples
concentrate
Fix the infinitive
to concentrate
show examples
 on their education path and prioritize their learning targets. In Japan,
for instance
, students are not given extra
tasks
 or
responsibilities
 because it is believed that these extra
tasks
 are potential sources of distraction. In conclusion, after considering both viewpoints, it seems advisable that
children
 should be encouraged to concentrate on their education;
however
, giving more
responsibilities
 to
children
 potentially
opening
Wrong verb form
opens
show examples
 a pathway
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 more serious
tasks
 later on.
Submitted by mojgan.sobhani on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction/Conclusion
Ensure that your essay has a clear and concise introduction that outlines the topic and your stance. This helps in setting the context for your readers.
Logical Structure
While your essay is logically structured, consider having a clearer topic sentence for each paragraph to make it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
Supported Main Points
Make sure to connect your examples more explicitly to each point you make. This will strengthen your arguments and show how they support your overall thesis.
Complete Response
Your essay provides a thorough discussion of both views, which is essential for a complete response to the task.
Relevant Specific Examples
You use relevant and specific examples, such as the cases from the United States and Japan, which effectively support your points.
Logical Structure
The logical flow of ideas is commendable, and you manage to maintain coherence throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!