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Band 4.5

Some people believe that the biggest problem facing cities is the increasing number of cars. Others say there more serious problems. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #cities #cars
Some people argue that the large number of automobile production is causing more
problems
while
 others think there are other
problems
 which outweigh the current one. In my opinion, I think other
issues
such
 as
poverty
, health
issues
 and employment
issues
 should be addressed. On the one hand, we can see that the high production of automobiles, especially in cities, is causing
problems
such
 as pollution and emission of harmful gases and
this
 in turn affects mankind.
For instance
, in
India
Add a comma
India,
show examples
 places like Mumbai
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 densely populated and
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
high
Change the article
a high
the high
show examples
 number of cars where pollution is a main concern and is causing
problems
such
 as asthma and other breathing difficulties.
In addition
 to
this
, we witness accidents and
also
 noise pollution which affects the elderly and small ones.
On the other hand
, the present world is facing other
problems
such
 as crime,
poverty
 and employment
issues
. I think the increasing number of crimes makes people more dreadful to live.
For instance
, we can see that recently in Israel, lots of kids and women were killed without mercy.
Apart from
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 we can
also
 see that because of the fast-paced environment and increasing population youth find it difficult to get jobs, which is
also
 a leading cause of
poverty
.
Moreover
, in some places like India, every hour lots of women and kids are getting raped and still they are not able to get justice
also
. In conclusion, even if automobiles cause
problems
, I think that there are some
issues
such
 as crime and
poverty
 which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 taking place at an
unprecedent
Correct your spelling
unprecedented
 growth causing more
problems
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 mankind.
Submitted by chirayilathirasunny on

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task achievement
To enhance your task response, ensure that all points are developed thoroughly. While you provided examples, some ideas, particularly around employment and poverty, could be expanded with more specific examples or explanations.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs and points. Ensure each paragraph clearly supports your thesis and connects logically to the next. This will help guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly states both sides of the argument and your own opinion, which sets a strong foundation for your essay.
supported main points
You have identified relevant issues such as crime, poverty, and pollution, showing a good understanding of the topic's complexity.
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