In many countries the level of crime is increasing and crimes are becoming more violent. Why do you think this is and what can be done about it?
Nowadays, our modern society has experienced more and more crime with higher levels of violence. From my perspective, there are various reasons behind
this
problem; therefore
, measures should be taken to make our lives better.
To begin
with, many causes that boosted the number of crimes are presented including people’s higher demand for different facets of life. While
many people assume that material things are no longer a problem like before, the truth demonstrates that material possessions are never enough. For instance
, many of the arrested thieves who stole valuable objects such
as smartphones, and jewelry
were not from poor families. Their motivation is merely to show off to their partners or friends. Another reason is Change the spelling
jewellery
due to
the development of technology. When it comes to modern devices, they not only have benefits but also
pose some threats, especially to teenagers who are curious about violent videos spread illegally on the internet
. 10 years ago, cases when bodies were cut into pieces were rare and became obsessed with residents. However
, citizens seem to be familiar with these cases. Thus
, it can be seen that inappropriate clips have a negative influence on viewers’ awareness and then
lead to violent imitation with terrible consequences.
As a result
, it is crucial to find a solution to this
serious social issue. Firstly
, governments should impose a law which offers strict fines to criminals. At present, people with mental problems and children under 18 who break the rule can be mitigated in some way, which resulted in many people basing on it to do criminal acts without worrying about being sent to prison. Therefore
, it is important for governments to introduce legislation to change the law. The second proposal is to control violent videos on the internet
. Instead
of allowing everyone to choose what they want to watch, parents should raise concerns to their kids and manage their time using the internet
and what they use the internet
for.
In conclusion, while
the evolution of various aspects contributes to the convenience of our society, there are more violent crimes that affect the peace of life. Thus
, it is vital for individuals to join hands and prevent violence to make our world a better place.Submitted by bichngoc.ngochoa on
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task achievement
While your essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and provides a comprehensive response, work on enhancing your examples. More concrete and detailed real-world examples would greatly benefit your arguments.
task achievement
Try to make your ideas more comprehensive by elaborating on certain points, such as the role of technology in influencing violent behavior or societal reactions to violent crimes.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, ensure logical transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs for better coherence.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow of your essay. While you present valid points, they can sometimes seem disjointed or abrupt. Use transitional phrases to ensure smooth flow of ideas.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt adequately and provides a fully developed response, indicating a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
You have included a clear introduction and conclusion that summarize the main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each addressing a different aspect of the topic, which aids in understanding and readability.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example