IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Children can learn different things about the world by watching films. What kinds of things do children learn by watching films? Are all these things good for children?

#children #world #films #kinds
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It is generally said that videotapes teach offspring various concepts and skills. Though I think
this
Linking Words
 is true to a great extent, I hardly think all that they learn from those are beneficial. The first thing that a child can absorb from
videotape
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 is the diverse lifestyles of people across the
earth
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.
videotape
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 generally
highlight
Correct subject-verb agreement
highlights
show examples
 the living patterns of people where they are shot, and
this
Linking Words
 ranges from what they eat to how they behave in various social situations. offspring are
also
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 interested to know the scientific and technological
progresses
Change the wording
progress
signs of progress
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, which are commonly portrayed in the
videotape
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.
For example
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, the basics of modern technologies like advanced forensic sciences and biotechnology are included in many motion
picture
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pictures
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, and
this
Linking Words
 gives the offspring opportunities to learn related concepts.
Finally
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,
videotape
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enhance
Change the verb form
enhances
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 the linguistic abilities of offspring. Various aspects like accent, vocabulary and specific usage of languages are acquired by offspring
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 when they watch
videotape
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. offspring can
also
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 become aware of the cultural and geographical features of parts of the
earth
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, like the Sahara or Antarctica from
videotape
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. There might be contrasting opinions when the question is asked whether all things offspring learn from
videotape
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 are good. I feel as a child procures some necessary information about the
earth
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 from
videotape
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, he is likely to acquire some unhealthy behaviours like smoking and drinking from the characters portrayed in the
videotape
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.
To conclude
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, I think though videotapes give ample opportunities for youngsters to learn many things about the
earth
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, I feel that not all
what
Change preposition
of what
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 they watch
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
videotapes
Fix the agreement mistake
videotape
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 good.
Submitted by henikeassociates on

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task achievement
In your essay, you have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which is excellent. To improve further, consider adding more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For example, you mentioned technological progress and language skills but didn't give explicit examples from well-known films or educational programs that demonstrate these points.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure and flows well from one point to another. However, connecting words and phrases can be refined to improve cohesion. For instance, instead of starting sentences with 'offspring' repeatedly, you might use pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition and maintain reader interest.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistent use of terminology. In the current essay, terms like 'videotape' and 'offspring' feel slightly outdated and repetitive. Using alternatives or synonyms can make the essay more engaging and varied.
task achievement
Your essay effectively covers the main points related to the topic, including the types of things children can learn from films and the potential downsides. This shows a thorough understanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
You've used a clear and organized structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This makes your essay easy to follow and understand.
task achievement
Your points are generally well-supported and elaborated, showing your ability to develop ideas clearly.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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