IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

1.Some people think that good health is very important to every person, so medical services should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?

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Several individuals believe that good
health
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 is crucial to everyone, so medical
services
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 should not be managed by profit-making companies. In my opinion, I think that whether the advantages of private
health
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 care outweigh the disadvantages depends on the financial capability of each person. On the one hand,
it is clear that
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 the advantages of personal
healthcare
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 are providing high-quality facilities
as well as
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 good
services
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 because good
health
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 is vital to every individual, so they want to invest the most in their
health
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.
For example
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, many private hospitals have developed in my country, Vietnam because of their convenience. To illustrate, if you go to a private hospital for an examination, you do not need to wait in long time to take your turn.
However
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, you must wait a couple of hours in public hospitals for your turn-taking.
Additionally
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, each sick room of a personal
healthcare
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 centre consists of only one to two
patients
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, opposite,
this
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 figure is from 12 to 22
patients
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 in a public hospital room . It means that can not only private medical
services
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 bring a sense of comfort to
patients
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, but it
also
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 helps them to save time.
Therefore
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, the wealthy always choose private
healthcare
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 centres.
On the other hand
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, the expensive cost of private
healthcare
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services
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 is
also
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 a disadvantage because not everyone has much money, and there are different classes in society.
For instance
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, in Vietnam, I must pay from 50 to 100 VND for each examination at a public hospital.
Conversely
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,
this
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 figure booms from 300 to one million VND in a personal
healthcare
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 centre, which leads to a financial burden on
patients
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 coming from poor families.
Thus
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, the groups of middle-income and lower-income classes think that medical
services
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 should not be run by profit-making companies. In conclusion, I think that whether the benefits of private
health
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 care outweigh the
backdraws
Correct your spelling
back draws
 depends on the financial situation of each individual,
such
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 as, the rich use the
services
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 of
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 private hospital which was not only saving time but
also
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 luxurious and the poor use the
services
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 of the public hospital which was cheap cost.

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task achievement
Your task response is generally good. You provide a balanced view and incorporate relevant examples. However, ensure your points are fully developed and explained to enhance the depth of your argument.
task achievement
While your ideas are clearly presented, work on making your main points more comprehensive. This can be achieved by including more detailed explanations and connecting them more smoothly to your overall argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is excellent for coherence. However, refining your transitions between paragraphs can make your logical structure even stronger.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure is well-maintained, but work on refining your paragraphs to ensure they are well-developed with clear topic sentences and supporting details. This will make your argument flow more logically.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a clear and relevant introduction and conclusion. You effectively summarize your main points, providing a solid framework for your argument.
task achievement
You provide relevant and specific examples to support your points, which enhances the task response. These examples are effectively integrated and help in illustrating your arguments.
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