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Band 5.5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

#people #parents #children #members #society #school #place
A number of persons believe that fathers and mothers ought to be the ones who
bring up
Verb problem
teach
show examples
 youngsters how to be excellent participants in the community
whereas
 some support parents. I will consider both these viewpoints and share my own perspective on
this
.  I have known my parents from scratch.
Due to
 the fact that baby has a muscle memory on their gradient reactions and
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
Moreover
, they can learn more quickly than adults as the saying goes, “You can’t teach the old dogs new tricks”.
In addition
, Since I was born knowing them, so I definitely had more time with them
although
 it
was
Verb problem
had
show examples
 been just only a few years before I had to leave for kindergarten. Fortunately, my family only has two children so me and my brother always get much more attention meaning that they can always correct us for every wrong deportment we make and instruct us to be considerate, not discriminate against others, and respect our civilization.
As a result
, family is the best introduction before you step out into the outside world.  I describe school as a book full of different types of folks and rules. When I first attended preschool I was taken to an international preschool with different nationalities and cultures even though it was difficult.
On the other hand
, I got more experience
along with
 wider aspects, easier to understand others, 
Furthermore
, the school curriculum forces you to become a better version of yourself if not you will get the punishment. Surprisal
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 turned out extremely effective
likewise
 it is human psychology’s wish not to face
penalizing
Replace the word
penalisation
show examples
 again. 
To conclude
, I give thought to parents are crucial factors to be a fine participant in society. The reason I feel
this
 is that we can’t choose our own family and you could not lose the relationship with them as well.
Otherwise
, you will have no one to turn to, and if not because of them I would be me today.
Submitted by nugentsr on

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task achievement
The response addresses both viewpoints but lacks depth in some parts. Ensure to consistently expand on the main points with specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The essay's introduction and conclusion are present, but ensure they clearly outline and summarize the main points to strengthen coherence.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases more effectively to ensure smooth flow between ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
The essay covers both viewpoints, which is a key requirement for a balanced argument.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay well.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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