IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#children #lifestyle #school #parents
An optimal lifestyle is crucial in
regards
Fix the agreement mistake
regard
show examples
 to the growth of
child
Add an article
the child
a child
show examples
. Particularly, the
child
's
muscles
Change the noun form
muscle
show examples
 transformation needs healthy ingredients to be well-built.
However
, lots of
children
 do not prefer to eat
a nutritious
Remove the article
nutritious food
a portion of nutritious food
show examples
food
. Because of
this
, I wholeheartedly agree that it is a mutual responsibility of both
parents
 and school to prioritize providing
a nourishing
Remove the article
nourishing food
a portion of nourishing food
show examples
food
 for the
children
. I believe that
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unhealthy cuisine may have detrimental effects on the
child
's constitution. In my point of view, the
parents
 shoulder
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 utmost authority in
provision
Correct article usage
the provision
show examples
 of
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
healthy
food
 for
the
Change the word
their
show examples
children
. Particularly, the
child
's mother should choose healthy ingredients
while
 preparing the
food
. These ingredients play a vital role in keeping the
child
 fit. On the one hand, a
strongly-shaped
Correct your spelling
strongly shaped
show examples
 physique has a powerful immune system that keeps the body safe.
On the other hand
, hazardous components in
food
 have
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
dangerous effects on the
child
's health like fats and sugary sweets.
For example
, many fathers and mothers do not care about what their
children
 eat like
a junk
Remove the article
junk food
a portion of junk food
show examples
food
. So, it is a massive duty of the
parents
 to limit
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast
food
 to put their daughters and sons on a nutritious track. Parallelly, the educational institutions develop strong-charactered students, they should
also
 seek the environment where the
children
 find
a delicious, healthy
Remove the article
delicious, healthy food
a portion of delicious, healthy food
show examples
food
. Because of
this
, I would recommend
for
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 the schools
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
avoid harmful snacks and
food
 from their canteen and replace them with vegetables, and fruits. They should
also
 limit any kind of
food
 causing
sugar
Correct article usage
a sugar
show examples
 rush for the
children
 like chocolate and sweets. It would be preferred if they put district regulations regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
this
 point.
However
, evaluating rules is not enough to spread a
well-healthy
Correct your spelling
healthy
show examples
 awareness among the students. It would be better to assist with extra sessions, and clubs to give them instructions and
advices
Change the wording
advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
show examples
 about what they should have for their nutritious meals. In conclusion, one of the most important
parents
' responsibilities is to care for their
children
's health.
Moreover
, the main rule of the educational institutions is to keep the students fit. So, it's a common responsibility for both of them.
Submitted by Mido  on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments and illustrate your points effectively. For instance, you can mention specific programs or initiatives that schools could implement to promote healthy eating.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next by providing clear transitions. This can help improve the overall coherence and cohesion of your essay.
coherence cohesion
While you have a clear structure, ensure each paragraph has a single main point that is fully developed. Avoid introducing multiple new ideas within the same paragraph.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction is clear and sets the context for the essay effectively, outlining the main argument.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the shared responsibility between parents and schools.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, demonstrating a solid understanding of the topic.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: