IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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It is a common belief among many
people
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 that commercials are very important for the sale of a product.
Conversely
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, others believe that it has lost
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it’s
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its
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 appeal
due to
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 overuse. I think, though traditional
advertisement
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 has lost
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it’s
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its
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 edge to some degree,
new
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a new
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 form of marketing has taken
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it’s
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its
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 place.
This
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 is the age of
internet
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the internet
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, the age of connectivity.
People
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 do not watch
televisions
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television
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 any more, they consume their news and
entertainments
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entertainment
show examples
 from
Tweeter
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Twitter
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, Facebook and YouTube.
As a result
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, traditional
advertisement
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 is ineffective now.
However
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, commercials
in
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on
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 the internet,
specially
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especially
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 influencer marketing, have gained traction. A brand deal with a celebrity who has huge followers can be very profitable for a company, even more profitable than traditional advertising.
Such
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 an example is the partnership of Nike with Lionel Messi to launch a new shoe back in 2015, which attracted so many
people
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, that the inventory sold out before even launching,
due to
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preorder
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preorders
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.
On the other hand
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,
advertisement
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overall
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 has
less
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fewer
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 effects on
people
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. Previously,
people
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 used to
take
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make
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 their purchasing
decision
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decisions
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 based on the commercial. They gathered information by listening to it carefully
in
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on
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 the
telivisions
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televisions
television
 and read it
throughly
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thoroughly
 in the newspaper to learn about the pros and cons of a product.
However
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, with time companies flooded
general
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the general
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 public with so much
advertisement
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 that
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it’s
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its
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 effect has dulled. The fact that
,
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apply
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 these companies overpromised and
sometime
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sometimes
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 downright lied,
didnot
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did not
 help either.
For example
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, BOSE advertised
there
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their
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 MT05 speaker as a revolutionary sound system.
But
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However
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 consumers who bought experienced frequent sound issues and failures.
To conclude
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, traditional marketing has lost
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it’s
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its
show examples
 place. But
new
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a new
show examples
 form of
advertisement
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 is still effective if it is executed properly.

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task achievement
The essay satisfactorily addresses both sides of the argument and provides the writer’s own opinion, making it a complete response. However, further elaboration on both views and more balanced discussion would improve the essay.
task achievement
While the main points are clear, providing more detailed and varied examples would increase the comprehensiveness of the ideas presented.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Nevertheless, the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance flow.
coherence cohesion
Using linking words and phrases more effectively will improve the cohesion of the essay, allowing ideas to connect more seamlessly. For example, words like “Furthermore,” “Additionally,” or “On the contrary” can be useful in making the essay more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the examples provided are directly relevant to the main points and explain their significance clearly to strengthen the supporting arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a good structure for the reader.
task achievement
Providing specific examples such as the Nike partnership with Lionel Messi effectively illustrates your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • persuade
  • promote
  • attract
  • influence
  • impact
  • consumerism
  • commercialism
  • market
  • product
  • brand
  • endorsement
  • manipulative
  • saturated
  • overwhelmed
  • repetitive
  • distracting
  • irrelevant
  • exaggerated
  • misleading
  • desensitized
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