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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children #message
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Some people claim that encouraging
children
 to work hard to reach their
goals
 is a must in
this
 modern-day,
while
 others have a different view on that. The following essay will discuss the benefits and drawbacks of
this
 point.
Firstly
, one of the advantages is that people believe that giving
this
 message to
children
 can gain their confidence.
Children
 need a lot of positive support at their age. Giving mental support can let them know that they have the ability to accomplish their
goals
 and can motivate them to stay consistent in their work.
Moreover
,
children
 can
also
 have a chance to learn new skills if they are encouraged.
However
, there are
also
 some shortcomings. For one, it may force
children
 to have unrealistic
goals
, they will get disappointed and exhausted after putting in their best effort but still can not see any progress.
This
 will strike their confidence, even leading to afraid of trying new things in the future.
In addition
,
children
 may
also
 have a thought of adults
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lying to them
due to
 the unrealistic encouragement,
consequently
, they will not easily trust people when they grow up. In conclusion,
although
 there are lots of positive effects of giving
this
 encouragement to
children
, some negative reactions may
also
 occur. I think it is important to give moderate support, guiding
children
 to set up their
goals
,
while
 simultaneously telling them about the possibility of failure to afford them seeing success as a guarantee.
Submitted by sharon999ng on

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task achievement
Incorporate more specific and relevant examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, provide situations or studies where encouraging children led to confidence building or where unrealistic goals caused disappointment.
task achievement
Work on elaborating your ideas more clearly. Some ideas remain too general and could benefit from further explanation and relevant illustrations.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. This will make your essay more coherent and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Structure your arguments logically; this requires that each paragraph contains a main idea that is well-developed and supported.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument effectively.
task achievement
You addressed both advantages and disadvantages of the topic, showing a balanced view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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