IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that zoos are cruel and should be closed down. Others, however, believe that zoos can be useful in protecting wild animals. Discuss both views and give your opinion Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experiences

Nowadays, some people adopt the point of view that
zoos
Use synonyms
 are a source of torture for
animals
Use synonyms
 .
Therefore
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,
animals
Use synonyms
 should be set free.
Linking Words
While others
Correct word choice
Others
show examples
 believe that
animals
Use synonyms
 living in the wild nature should be kept behind bars in a
zoo
Use synonyms
 to protect
general
Add an article
the general
show examples
 public from them.
This
Linking Words
 forthcoming essay will discuss why I strongly agree with the latter opinion and provide relevant examples from my own experience. On the one hand, people who advocate the idea of
animals
Use synonyms
 originally living in the wild being set free
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 may have not actually considered the consequences.
In other words
Linking Words
، entangling and letting
animals
Use synonyms
 go out from the
zoo
Use synonyms
 could possibly cause significant chaos, possibly interfering with our daily lives as human beings, particularly deterring us from living a peaceful life.
For instance
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, I can recall once incident that happened to our family when we went
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a trip
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 our village,we went by
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
car, and on our way
their
Correct your spelling
there
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 we were about to hit a camel that crossed the highway,
hence
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 it was extremely dangerous, and
life threatening
Add a hyphen
life-threatening
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 for the camels to be released into deserts without supervision.
Moreover
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, when we
finally
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 reached our destination we were welcomed by a bunch of monkeys that kept stealing our food, which was truly unfortunate and
devestating
Correct your spelling
devastating
, if those monkeys were in a cage, and behind bars in a
zoo
Use synonyms
 people, particularly children would get to enjoy them without having to go through adversity of monkeys stealing their lunch.
On the other hand
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, some
zoos
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 neither ensure
safety
Correct article usage
the safety
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 and well-being of
animals
Use synonyms
 nor do they provide them with their actual needs. Drawing from my own experience, I had been
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a safari trip in
south africa
Correct your spelling
South Africa
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,
while
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 I was
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 I could not help but notice some some rabbits are not eating well
due to
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of food.
Moreover
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, some other
animals
Use synonyms
 were depressed; not only the
zoo
Use synonyms
 owners
are
Wrong verb form
were
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 responsible for all these issues. But
also
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, visitors of the
zoo
Use synonyms
 must follow regularities and
polices
Correct your spelling
policies
show examples
 that ensure
animals
Use synonyms
 are not being tortured or mistreated in any way.
Therefore
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, raising awareness among the public is crucial. In
conclusions
Fix the agreement mistake
conclusion
show examples
, whether we encourage
zoos
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 or not;
firstly
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,
consequences
Correct article usage
the consequences
show examples
 of letting
animals
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 go should be considered;
subsequently
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, safety should take precedence; ultimately,
legislations
Fix the agreement mistake
legislation
show examples
 of
zoos
Use synonyms
 must be followed through raising awareness.

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logical structure
Improve the logical structure of your essay by ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates to your main argument.
introduction conclusion present
Enhance your introduction by clearly stating your opinion and briefly outlining the reasons for it. This will set a clearer roadmap for your essay.
logical structure
Use more linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will make your essay easier to follow.
supported main points
Ensure that each main point is fully developed and supported with clear examples or detailed explanations.
complete response
Be more specific about how raising awareness can protect animals in zoos. Provide more concrete examples or suggestions.
complete response
Your essay covers the topic well and addresses both sides of the argument.
relevant specific examples
You have included relevant examples from your own experiences, making your arguments more credible and relatable.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are clear and presented in a comprehensive manner, covering various aspects of the topic.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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