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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

the chart below shows the proportion of people's total spending in a particular European country was spent on different commodities and services in 1958 and in 2008.

the chart below shows the proportion of people's total spending in a particular European country was spent on different commodities and services in 1958 and in 2008.
#proportion #people #european #country #commodities #services
The pie chart
illustrate
Change the verb form
illustrates
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 the percentages of
consuming
Replace the word
consumption
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 in six different services and commodities of European
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
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 in two years. Units are measured in percentages.
Overall
, it can be seen that the consumption of food
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 the highest common in 1958
whereas
 housing consumption
is
Wrong verb form
was
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 the greatest in 2008. It can
also
 be observed that the spending
in
Change preposition
on
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 entertainment and clothing
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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decreased
while
in
Change preposition
on
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 luxury goods and
travel
Add a comma
travel,
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 transport
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased during the time period. Looking at luxury
good
Fix the agreement mistake
goods
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, travel or transport and housing in
further
details
Fix the agreement mistake
detail
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, it is evident that all the services
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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gradually increased during 2008.
Moreover
, housing accounted for about a third in 2008, which
double
Replace the word
doubles
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 luxury goods and travel or transport amount. Turning to the remaining statistic, the proportion of entertainment, food and clothing
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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dramatically went down between 1958 and 2008.
Furthermore
, food consumption
sighnificantly
Correct your spelling
significantly
 declined from around a third to almost over 10%.
While
 entertainment and clothing slightly decreased to six per cent and 16% respectively.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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