Nowadays, more and more people from different cities are spending on more time away from their families. What are the possibl reasons and the effects on the people themselves and their families?
In the present day, more and more people from various cities are
using
more Verb problem
spending
time
to get a long distance with their domesticity. The main reasons are earning a living and satisfying their ambition. Additionally
, they will feel alone and their families feel they are burdens.
The principal cause of lack of time
at home
is making money. Residents tend to go out in order to create a profit and enhance their finance
rather than stay at Fix the agreement mistake
finances
home
due to
unemployment. In addition
, they have to save money and afford various expenditure
Fix the agreement mistake
expenditures
such
as electricity and water fees. As a consequence
, people relinquish
an occupation may lead family to a poverty-stricken situation. Wrong verb form
relinquishing
This
is a fact in the USA where the citizens must look for a career instead
of spare time
with family.
Turning to another point worth considering is that the inhabitants have a thirst for finishing their dream
. Fix the agreement mistake
dreams
In other words
, they want to travel into
diverse countries and discover cuisine or culture. Change preposition
to
Moreover
, they also
run their own business or experience luxury services which they have never tried before. As a result
, the dwellers usually spend time
on their hobbies so
Correct word choice
apply
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
reduce
stress and pressure.
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
However
, the citizens may be alone and nobody take
care of them. They can be depressed and even fed up Change the verb form
takes
with
because of Change preposition
apply
lack
of family. Correct article usage
a lack
Besides
that, they will memorize
relatives and want to go back Verb problem
remember
home
immediately. Nevertheless
, the difficulties in their life always prevent humans from coming home
. With respect to family members, they may feel they are burden
that the breadwinner must carry them. Add an article
a burden
Therefore
, they should spare more time
on
the dominant humans to share Change preposition
for
a
burden.
Taking all points into account, the primary reasons are the financial purpose and ambitious aim. Correct article usage
the
Hence
, the possible effects are loneliness and guilty feeling
.Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
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vocabulary
Try to use more precise and varied vocabulary. Some words and phrases are being used repetitively or inaccurately. For example, instead of 'get a long distance with their domesticity,' consider 'spending more time away from their families.'
grammar
Be careful with grammatical mistakes, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage. For example, 'residents tend to go out in order to create a profit' should be 'residents tend to go out in order to earn a profit.'
clarity
Expand on ideas more clearly and comprehensively. Some points are mentioned but not thoroughly explained. For instance, when discussing 'finishing their dream,' elaborate on what specific ambitions people are pursuing.
content
You have identified multiple reasons and effects of spending more time away from families, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
structure
The essay presents a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
variety
You have attempted to use a variety of sentence structures, which adds some complexity to your writing.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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