IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries, it is illegal for componies to reject job applicants for their age. Is this a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, companies have various criteria for accepting job volunteers. Some people think that if a person passes technical features, he should be accepted regardless of his
age
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.
However
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, others, including me, believe that the drawbacks of
this
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 subject outweigh its advantages.
Firstly
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, psychologists say that humans should become older in the normal growth process. It means every individual ought to hang out with his/her peer group since they have much more in common with each other.
Although
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 it seems that in workplaces
age
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 is not as significant as in social environments, a big
age
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 difference between colleagues may cause different problems like misunderstanding of their attitudes and ineffective communications.
As a result
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, workers can't be as productive as they should have been as they miss the chance of close interaction and effective communication.
Moreover
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,
such
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 issues may draw the top managers' attention to themselves and detract time from other vital parts of the company. There is an opposite argument that the limitation of
age
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 criteria in accepting new applicants can decline the opportunity to find young creative employees.
In other words
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, some young graduates can evaluate companies' difficulties from various perspectives which allows them to propose optimal solutions.
Nevertheless
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,
this
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 chance is not as much as it could overcome drawbacks. In conclusion, today, I believe that hiring new staff regardless of their
age
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 group has more disadvantages rather than positive points. It may cause some serious problems
such
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 as conflict of viewpoints and destructive interactions which can definitely decrease the output of companies.

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task response
The essay needs a more balanced approach. While it provides reasons why hiring irrespective of age can be problematic, it doesn't thoroughly explore the potential benefits. Consider examining both sides of the argument in more detail for a more nuanced analysis.
coherence cohesion
Try improving the logical flow of your arguments. Each paragraph should connect clearly to the next, and transitions between ideas can be smoother. For example, after discussing the drawbacks of age diversity, introduce the counterarguments more naturally.
task response
Make sure to provide specific examples to support your points. For instance, mentioning specific instances where age-related conflicts impaired productivity or citing studies could strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
To enhance cohesion, use more linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your points. Phrases like 'on the other hand,' 'furthermore,' and 'consequently' can help in this regard.
task response
The essay addresses an important and relevant issue, demonstrating an understanding of both views regarding hiring practices and age discrimination.
task response
Clear and comprehensive ideas regarding the potential drawbacks of having diverse age groups in the workplace are provided.
coherence cohesion
A structured format is present, with distinct sections for introduction, body, and conclusion, contributing to an organized presentation of thoughts.
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