IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In Some Countries, Celebrities Complain About how The Media Publicize Their Private Lives. Some People Say that They Should Accept It as Part of Their Fame.* Do You Agree or Disagree?

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In certain parts of the world,
well known
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well-known
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people
Use synonyms
 whine about how their private today life is shared.
However
Linking Words
 other
people
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 think they should agree to it because of their popularity. In my own opinion l strongly disagree with
this
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 because
celebrities
Use synonyms
 should not accept the
consequence
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consequences
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 of their fame.
Firstly
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,
celebrities
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 are
people
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 who are entitled to their privacy just like everyone else though they have
a
Correct article usage
apply
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chosen a path that they are on the
spot light
Correct your spelling
spotlight
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 that does not mean they want their personal life to be the same as their job.
For example
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, many
celebrities
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 in my country Zimbabwe are facing
cyber bullying
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cyberbullying
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 because of how their lives are displayed in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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public and
by
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because of
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this
Linking Words
 many are committing suicide. Even so, the right to privacy is very important and it helps
people
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 live a better life.
Secondly
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, the media usually publicize information that they think
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is true or even
rumors
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rumours
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 from social media platforms like
facebook
Capitalize word
Facebook
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,
instagram
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Instagram
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 and
twitter
Capitalize word
Twitter
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. Most information is spread through those channels because of the attraction they bring to
people
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. By doing
this
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 most of the
celebrities
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works
Correct subject-verb agreement
work
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 with companies.
For instance
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, a football player in America
was
Correct pronoun usage
who was
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 accused of rape and jailed for six years in prison had to shutter his dreams because of how the
rumors
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rumours
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 spread.
However
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, publicizing of
celebrities
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 often leads to consequences and loss of jobs. In conclusion, l believe that
celebrities
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 should do what they want with their lives and should not be forced to accept the invasion of privacy.
While
Linking Words
 being a public figure has its disadvantages
but
Correct word choice
apply
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they should not ruin their mental health and well-being.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position, which is excellent. However, you could further develop your arguments with more specific examples and details. This will strengthen your essay by providing concrete evidence to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Nevertheless, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, linking phrases like 'Moreover,' 'Furthermore,' or 'In addition to' can help in making your essay flow more naturally.
coherence cohesion
It is important to be precise in your language. For instance, some phrases like 'shutter his dreams' could be refined to be more accurate and avoid idiomatic errors. Consider rephrasing to 'shattered his dreams.'
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, both of which contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
task achievement
You have addressed the prompt effectively by providing a stance and supporting arguments. This shows a good level of task achievement.
task achievement
Inclusivity of examples related to cyberbullying and the football player helps to illustrate your points more vividly.
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