IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

With growing number of population within cities, many people are living in small homes that do not have outdoor spaces. Is this a positive or a negative development?

#population #cities #people #homes #spaces #development
As a result
 of the booming population, mini-sized accommodation does not have space for outdoor activities. The author contends that there is abundant evidence including relationship breakdown and health problems on the side of those believing that
this
 is a negative development. Less or no outdoor spaces
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 blamed for the downgrading of social
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
 among residents. It should be clear to all observers that more than just for entertainment, outdoor spaces are regarded as small-sized parks which are open to the public.
In other words
, they are places where families gather, and children meet and enjoy playing with their peer groups. The disappearance of these parks can,
therefore
, lead to isolated families, leading to the breakdown of the community as a whole. People should
also
 consider health as one of the victims of
this
 development. As there is less space for activities outside houses, people are discouraged from engaging in exercises that are crucial to their health.
As a result
, they are more vulnerable to common illnesses including fever and cold since the immune system is defective, leading to a high increase in sufferers and casualties.
Hence
, the danger of
this
 phenomenon should be recognized the sooner the better.
Thus
, clear evidence of the downgradation of social networks and the increase in health-related issues is proving the disastrous impact of the shrinking outdoor spaces in the modern world.
Therefore
,
this
 author strongly believes that
this
 is never a positive development.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to include more specific examples or data to back up your claims, which can make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Be mindful of small grammatical errors and the use of certain phrases like "downgrading of social network," which might sound awkward. Use "decline in social interactions" instead.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow.
task achievement
You have clearly responded to the topic by discussing both the social and health impacts of the lack of outdoor spaces.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: