IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is widely advocated that partaking in outdoor
activities
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 is far more crucial than
computer
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games
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 for the young generation to be developed holistically. The writer, in light of
this
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, is entirely convinced by
this
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 school of thought on account of the consequences deriving from
computer
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games
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coupled with
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 priceless experiences in real-life
activities
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.
Initially
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, it is vital to recognize countless highly serious illnesses that children suffer from when they become addicted to
computer
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games
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. It must be acknowledged that should teenagers spend most of their time playing these
games
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 at earlier ages, they are likely to deal with visual problems in the future. Specifically, research conducted in the UK has revealed that more than eighty per cent of the youth whose favourite leisure activity is playing
games
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 based on computers are finding it challenging to see well compared to their peers at school who do not engage in those
games
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.
Moreover
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, having sat under a chair and glued their eyes to
computer
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 screens without activating their bodies or exercising over a long course of time, teenagers will become overweight,
in other words
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, suffering from obesity that leads to future physical health disorders.
Additionally
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, a wide range of essential skills gained from real-life
activities
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 must be considered. To clarify, many outdoor
activities
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such
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 as teaming sports or festivals require a large number of teenagers to get engaged, come up with a team, and cooperate together to win.
This
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 means some of their fundamental skills including collaborative and problem-solving ones will be developed significantly after that.
Furthermore
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, by participating in outdoor
activities
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, there will be many opportunities among these children to get involved in nature,
thus
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 obtaining more knowledge related to the environment
as well as
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 flora and fauna apart from formal academic education at school. These valuable insights,
however
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, cannot be gained by playing
computer
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games
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. In conclusion, it has been demonstrated that it is a wide range of outdoor
activities
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, not
computer
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games
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 that provides children priceless knowledge and real-life skills and prevents them from suffering many physical health-related problems. It is,
in addition
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, apparent that the more outdoor
activities
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 the young generation takes part in, the more holistically they are likely to develop.

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task achievement
Try to address potential counterarguments to strengthen your position. This can provide a more balanced analysis and show deeper critical thinking.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single idea or argument to avoid confusion. While your points are clear, more focused paragraphs can enhance readability.
task achievement
You provide a complete and thoughtful response to the prompt, clearly stating your position and supporting it with relevant points.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each section flows logically, making it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
Your use of relevant and specific examples, like the research in the UK, effectively supports your points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical development
  • Overall health
  • Coordination
  • Foster
  • Social skills
  • Teamwork
  • Mental well-being
  • Creativity
  • Exploration
  • Strategic thinking
  • Problem-solving
  • Hand-eye coordination
  • Sedentary lifestyles
  • Social isolation
  • Moderation
  • Balanced approach
  • Detract
  • Obesity
  • Poor posture
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