The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #effects #trend

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Overweight

children

Use synonyms

are one of the big problems in the world, especially in

western

Capitalize word

Western

show examples

society

that

Correct pronoun usage

which

show examples

increased

around

Change preposition

by around

show examples

20% during the

last

Linking Words

ten years

ago

Rephrase

apply

show examples

. I think being overweight for

children

Use synonyms

are

Correct subject-verb agreement

show examples

very dangerous, which is usually caused by an uncontrolled

diet

Use synonyms

then

Linking Words

lied

Verb problem

leads

show examples

to some

dieses

Correct your spelling

diseases

and less activity.

This

Linking Words

essay will discuss problems and solutions causes and affect

about

Change preposition

show examples

overweight

children

Use synonyms

The obesity

Correct article usage

Obesity

show examples

Change preposition

show examples

children

Use synonyms

is caused by an unhealthy

diet

Use synonyms

and less

activities

Fix the agreement mistake

activity

show examples

Firstly

Linking Words

, most

children

Use synonyms

below 12 years old usually depend on attention from their parents

especially

Add the comma(s)

, especially

show examples

for

diet

Use synonyms

management. In fact,

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

children

Use synonyms

usually like to consume unhealthy

food

Use synonyms

for

Linking Words

instance

Add the comma(s)

instance,

show examples

junk

food

Use synonyms

, fast

food

Use synonyms

and all types of street

food

Use synonyms

. Actually, the ingredients of

food

Use synonyms

are not controlled as it is high in sugar.

Secondly

Linking Words

, many

children

Use synonyms

are

lazy

Rephrase

too lazy

show examples

for following

Change preposition

to follow

show examples

some activities outside their

home

Fix the agreement mistake

homes

show examples

. There are many factors like using a mobile handphone,

for example

Linking Words

playing games and less social interaction

due to

Linking Words

comfortable feeling playing in the home. These two causes happen

due to

Linking Words

less control and less attention from parents. The impact of unhealthy eating styles and less

exercises

Fix the agreement mistake

exercise

show examples

can be seen in various aspects. One of the most notable effects is disease or illness. To illustrate, when

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

children

Use synonyms

don’t have a proportional body and

as a

Linking Words

consequence

Add a comma

consequence,

show examples

they will get bullied by their friends.

Therefore

Linking Words

the mental health condition is disturbing the cycle of growth for the

children

Use synonyms

. Another effect is the

children

Use synonyms

have less interest in exercise with their friends.

Finally

Linking Words

, the

children

Use synonyms

became less confident and spent most of their time at home. The big problems about overweight

children

Use synonyms

are a concern of the health world. Most of

the

Correct pronoun usage

them

show examples

causedcaued

Correct your spelling

cause caused

by an uncontrolled

diet

Use synonyms

. I predict in the future it can increase to 50% and the Government needs to

seriously

Add a missing verb

be seriously

show examples

concern

Replace the word

concerned

show examples

about that.

Submitted by writingbersama on Mon Jun 10 2024

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task achievement

You have covered the key aspects of the task by discussing both causes and effects. However, try to provide more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments.

coherence cohesion

Work on organizing your ideas more logically. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea, and the transition between paragraphs could be smoother.

general

Be careful with grammar and word choice. Minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing occasionally affect clarity. Proofreading your essay before submission can help catch these mistakes.

introduction conclusion present

The introduction effectively sets up the topic and your stance. This helps engage the reader from the beginning.

supported main points

You have identified both main causes (unhealthy diet and less activity) and effects (diseases, mental health issues) well, showing a balanced discussion.

logical structure

The use of linking words such as 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' and 'Therefore' helps guide the reader through your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

Summary
Restatement of thesis
Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

In conclusion
To conclude
To summarize
Finally
In a nutshell
In general

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11
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
24
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

307 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

overweight
obesity
caloric intake
sedentary lifestyle
screen time
physical education
nutritious
psychological well-being
self-esteem
socioeconomic
healthcare system
life expectancy
obesity-related complications

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The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

Include an introduction and conclusion

People have diﬀerent views regarding the importance of a building’s function in comparison to its exterior appearance. In my opinion, I agree with the idea that a construction’s purpose should be more highly valued than the appearance for a number of reasons.

Some people say that in all levels of education, from primary schools to universities, too much time is spent on learning facts and not enough on learning practical skills. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that men and woman have different qualities, therefore certain jobs are suitable for men and others for women.To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

Many families move to different countries. Some people think children can benefit from this, while others consider it is hard for children if families move to a foreign country. Discuss both views and your opinion.