IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #effects #trend
Overweight
children
 are one of the big problems in the world, especially in
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 society
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 increased
around
Change preposition
by around
show examples
 20% during the
last
 ten years
ago
Rephrase
apply
show examples
. I think being overweight for
children
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
very dangerous, which is usually caused by an uncontrolled
diet
then
lied
Verb problem
leads
show examples
 to some
dieses
Correct your spelling
diseases
 and less activity.
This
 essay will discuss problems and solutions causes and affect
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 overweight
children
.
The obesity
Correct article usage
Obesity
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
children
 is caused by an unhealthy
diet
 and less
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
.
Firstly
, most
children
 below 12 years old usually depend on attention from their parents
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 for
diet
 management. In fact,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 usually like to consume unhealthy
food
,
for
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
show examples
 junk
food
, fast
food
 and all types of street
food
. Actually, the ingredients of
food
 are not controlled as it is high in sugar.
Secondly
, many
children
 are
lazy
Rephrase
too lazy
show examples
for following
Change preposition
to follow
show examples
 some activities outside their
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
. There are many factors like using a mobile handphone,
for example
 playing games and less social interaction
due to
 comfortable feeling playing in the home. These two causes happen
due to
 less control and less attention from parents. The impact of unhealthy eating styles and less
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 can be seen in various aspects. One of the most notable effects is disease or illness. To illustrate, when
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 don’t have a proportional body and
as a
consequence
Add a comma
consequence,
show examples
 they will get bullied by their friends.
Therefore
 the mental health condition is disturbing the cycle of growth for the
children
. Another effect is the
children
 have less interest in exercise with their friends.
Finally
, the
children
 became less confident and spent most of their time at home. The big problems about overweight
children
 are a concern of the health world. Most of
the
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
causedcaued
Correct your spelling
cause caused
 by an uncontrolled
diet
. I predict in the future it can increase to 50% and the Government needs to
seriously
Add a missing verb
be seriously
show examples
concern
Replace the word
concerned
show examples
 about that.
Submitted by writingbersama on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You have covered the key aspects of the task by discussing both causes and effects. However, try to provide more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your ideas more logically. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea, and the transition between paragraphs could be smoother.
general
Be careful with grammar and word choice. Minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing occasionally affect clarity. Proofreading your essay before submission can help catch these mistakes.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively sets up the topic and your stance. This helps engage the reader from the beginning.
supported main points
You have identified both main causes (unhealthy diet and less activity) and effects (diseases, mental health issues) well, showing a balanced discussion.
logical structure
The use of linking words such as 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' and 'Therefore' helps guide the reader through your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
What to do next:
Look at other essays: