IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people think that living in big cities is bad for people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #cities #health
Many people hold the view that living in a metropolis is a bad choice for residents'
health
.
While
 I think that the urban centers are the places with high development in therapy, I disagree with the view that living in
cities
 will have human harmful impact on their
health
. On the one hand, it is reasonable that staying in urban
cities
 can make dwellers feel concerned about their strength. In fact, the majority of manufacturers and factories are concentrated in big
cities
 rather than rural areas.
This
 leads to excessive emission effect to the atmosphere
also
 the goods which is sold in the market nearby.
In addition
, when people get food which has been affected by emissions their
health
 will be threatened by lung or heart disease, in many severe conditions patients may have cancer or live a plant life. If urban
cities
 do not create rules for those manufacturers, new diseases can be formed and become the most dangerous risk for humanity.
However
, from the writer’s experience, the most effective cure has been found and improved in many renowned hospitals located in big
cities
. Nowadays, the government not only try to enhance and equip the state with modern equipment but
also
 train a good team of doctors.
Thus
,
this
 is considered
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 practical method to help residents with their concerns about their
health
.
Hence
, looking at the advancement of treatment, many therapies make patients feel less hurting and promote recovery.
Moreover
, dwellers will live better and cut down the payment for long-term hospitalization. In conclusion,
while
 I support the view that living in urban centres will be better for
health
 rather seems to be a bad choice.
However
,
this
 does not indicate that there is a non-toxic emissions impact on goods.
This
 is crucial for people to pay attention when purchasing products from every market, selecting the unsafe one will cause the severe problems
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task achievement
Your essay addresses both views—how living in cities might negatively impact health and why cities can offer better healthcare—demonstrating a balanced consideration of the prompt. However, ensure that you fully explain and elaborate on your main points.
task achievement
The introduction clearly presents your stance, but it can be strengthened by briefly outlining the main points you will discuss in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Use more linking words and phrases to ensure your ideas are smoothly connected.
coherence cohesion
Clarify and connect some points better to avoid any confusion. For example, the second paragraph could be organized so the ideas are more logically sequenced.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You have presented a balanced view, acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of living in cities.
coherence cohesion
You have used some good linking words and phrases.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • respiratory problems
  • population density
  • stress levels
  • mental health issues
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • healthcare facilities
  • cardiovascular diseases
  • psychological well-being
  • recreational areas
  • social networks
What to do next:
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