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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that it is good to share as much as information as possible in scientific research, business, and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important to be shared freely? Discuss these views and give your opinion.

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Although
Linking Words
 many argue that it is
benefical
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for companies in various sectors to provide unrestricted access to their data, I agree with the assumption that business-related secrets should not be distributed publicly because
this
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 may result in the company’s underperformance
due to
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 a loss of advantage. On the one hand, those
advocate
Correct pronoun usage
who advocate
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 for spreading as much information as possible believe that
this
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 openness promotes trust, enthusiasm, and collaboration
on
Change preposition
in
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 the work. They contend that open innovation allows businesses to seek external resources, including advice, perspectives, and collective intelligence, which helps accelerate project progress.
For example
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, the partnership between Toyota and Tesla in the early stages of electronic vehicle development enabled both manufacturers to exchange knowledge and expertise, which helped foster the innovation and the adoption of
self-drving
Correct your spelling
self-driving
 cars in
automotive
Add an article
the automotive
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 industry.
On the other hand
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, it is more reasonable to claim that some research should be restricted to the public, as
current
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the current
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 market is more cutthroat than
every
Correct your spelling
ever
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 before, and the idea of sharing information can cost businesses a competitive position.
Similarly
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, if a startup happens to leak private data, its competitors can replicate, exploit, and make a profit out of its product.
For instance
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, big agencies in
food
Correct article usage
the food
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 and beverage industry, namely Coca-Cola and KFC, tend to impose strict regulations to protect their recipes
such
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 as limiting the number of employees knowing the formula, or implementing tight access controls.
Consequently
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, I agree with the view of protecting research for the aforementioned reason. In conclusion,
while
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 some insist that informational transparency is crucial in many domains, I think it is vital that a company maintain its trade secrets for the benefit of its success and development.

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Introduction Enhancement
Expand your introduction by offering a more nuanced perspective on the debate or including a thesis statement that more explicitly outlines the structure of your argument.
Examples Elaboration
When discussing examples, try to elaborate on them by explaining how they specifically support your viewpoint.
Counterargument Exploration
Consider discussing counterarguments in a more detailed manner to strengthen your position. This can add depth to your analysis.
Structure
You’ve structured your essay well, introducing the topic, presenting both sides of the argument, and clearly stating your opinion.
Use of Examples
The use of specific examples, such as the partnership between Toyota and Tesla, effectively supports your argument and demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.
Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint, reinforcing your position on the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • information sharing
  • scientific research
  • business
  • academic world
  • advancement of knowledge
  • progress
  • collaboration
  • cross-disciplinary research
  • open access
  • democratization of information
  • transparency
  • credibility
  • intellectual property
  • security concerns
  • commercial interests
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